Being Jeanne...

 I'm doing well.  I'm trying to be normal in this relationship and not look for the bad. I think I'm doing a good job of that.  Life is too fucking short to be miserable all the time. His "friend" messaged me again.  I have no clue what this woman is up to.  Why?  I don't get it.  I'm really working on not letting my brain go down the dark path and assume things.  I want to trust....it's hard though. We are off for 3 days due to Hurricane Idalia.  So far it's been a non-event.  We are expected to get some wind this afternoon.  *shrug* We'll see... We head to Jekyll Island this weekend for Labor Day We are back at the Ocean Club.  I'm hoping the ghosts of Christmas vaycay have vacated.  That was an awful experience!! Time to play some Diablo 4 and forget the world. 

Someone commented that I hadn't been posting much on social media. When I am depressed, I tend to hide. All I want to do is sleep and I really don't think about putting myself out there.  I'm slowly getting back to it with work posts but I really don't want my life to be all about work. I really want a full life. Right now, I'm not there. I feel like things are lacking. Intimacy, and I'm not just meaning sexually. I would love some non-sexual cuddling, more hugging,.... more.  I love hugs.... When my person is around it's like having my best friend there but if I'm outta sight, I feel like I'm outta mind. I'm trying to initiate but then I get resentful.  I am worth it! 

First day back to work.  71 min classes where the teachers talk the whole time, times 5 periods, equals a very tired Jeanne. Jerry is making dinner. Steak, potatoes, asparagus, wine..... Here is where the evil brain kicks in...He says it's because he knows I was going to be tired but part of my brain thinks there are other reasons.  I'm not happy that my brain questions his good deeds. That I think he is doing it because of what I call "shady shit." EMOTIONS are not facts! Stop it, Jeanne! 

You snipe, I snipe back. I need to not do that. "When they go low, we need to go high! " 

Both professionally and personally. I'm feeling like I did a year ago. I'm just not happy but I can't tell anyone that because they don't understand. Of the kiss goodbye this morning was uninspired. But that's how it's been for the past 2 weeks. I don't know if he's got another piece on the side that he's chatting with and getting off to. I don't know but I know he's not getting off to me and he's not getting me off and I don't know. Maybe I'm expecting too much. I probably am... 

I don't think you like me. If you did, you wouldn't interrupt me or if you did, you'd ask me to continue after you were done. 

You can talk for hours about your life, past, present... But the moment I wasn't to talk about our intimacy issues suddenly "I have selective hearing" asked you don't want to talk about it in the middle of the night. That hurts.  I have never really failed at anything and I think that's why I'm having a hard time with all of this. This relationship isn't great anymore.   It's not bad... It's just odd. And that seems like a failure to me. 

You sit there and tell me how proud you are of Lance of not working while he's on vacation and here we are on vacation granite, It's a staycation but it's still a vacation and you're on a call. They knew you were on vacation. You knew you were on vacation. And yet you are still away from me working. Am I a bitch? Probably but... Yeah I'm a bitch fine. Let's just say I'm a bitch and I'm sorry. I expect people to be on vacation to actually be on vacation.  I'm betting we don't have sex this week either... 

Intimacy has dropped way off. Memory scheduling fun time for today. I got "I'm so tired." I bet he didn't even take his pills today. What's going on?  

I cried myself to sleep. I said to him. I know you love me. I just feel like you don't like me and I got silence. Silence is an answer. A pretty loud one. 

I am still having a hard time trusting him. Our communication during the day is like it was in February and March. Very transactional. I'm probably exaggerating. I know that I am. I'm just in a low moment right now, but you should know that I require reassurance. You know I'm an anxious preoccupied attachment style person. You know that words of affirmation and quality time are my top two love languages and yet it's like you don't even know me. I know that your top one is active service and I fucking do everything and I'm starting to fucking resent it.   Okay, deep breath... Maybe I don't do everything but I feel like I'm in charge of making sure that we have plans and I'm done. I'm not Julie McCoy. I'm not your cruise director..I'm Jeanne!  Oh and the intimacy thing... Yeah where the fuck is that?

The fact you still tilt your phone away from me, shows me you have shit to hide. 

..and sad that I get more likes from them. 

Totally missed my cue,  toy again! Why is my libedo so active? 

Thank goodness for toys! 

 This article's timing is uncanny . 

When you start tilting your phone away from me so you can take your little selfies to send to somebody on Snapchat. It's time for me to go to bed. Hello December!... 

Summer break means kicking back but it also means I was skipping breakfast which I know isn't healthy for me. I have been getting better although  my recent time for breakfast is around 10 or 11am so then I'd skip lunch. This morning I forced myself to have breakfast before turning on the news or playing video games. 

It's totally obvious that you don't want to share your life with me because if you did, you would be figuring out a time when you and me could celebrate your sister's birthday. But I get it. You don't want to be a couple. You want to be you and you want to get fucked by me and that's all you want. Even if this isn't true, this is exactly how I'm feeling right now. And you are giving me no other indication that what I'm saying is false. 

When you text and get nothing despite the fact you know they have looked at their phone.... 

.. and suddenly I feel like it's December again. 😭

Horrible... I'm really having to stop myself from lashing out. It's coming from a place of insecurity. I'm not proud of it. I don't know really how to deal with it all. I guess this might be something I need to ask my therapist about.   I should just remove myself from the situations that make me want to say awful things. 😢

So you are constantly chatting online with other people. Yes, they message you but when you respond to them, ... I'm there .... Fucking hate that it bothers me. You don't give a fuck though either. 

 I don't know if it's a lack of emotional intelligence or just the inability to express things.  Either way, it's not anything I can do.  The lack of knowing what might hurt me confuses me but again. Nothing I can do about that.  Being oblivious is not something I can change. I don't dare bring things about because it will come across as being "critical." WTF.  This is why I've given up caring.   Getting off. Having a laugh or two. This is what it is.  No understand of my feelings kind of sucks.  ....no sympathy.

Just had a conversation where I said "I still feel less than" and he didn't say anything 😭😭😭😭

So I decided to take a day and just go out. No agenda... No plans... Just out away from the house. Tomorrow. It'll be 6 months since I left... Well we are back together. It's never going to be the same and that's fine. It could be better. We'll see. I do know that I'm not a fan of the house anymore. I want a freaking condo with a freaking pool because I want to be that person. I want to go to the pool whenever the fuck I want to. Yeah sure we can go to the ocean but from a previous post you know that I like ended up with a crotch full of sand because the surf decided to topple me over and let me bob like a cork in the ocean. That was not fun. A pool I'm not going to get knocked over. I might get in October by some little Brady kids, but that's different. There's consequences for that. Who am I going to yell at if the surf knocks me over nobody? And I can go to the pool by myself and know that I'm safe. Going to the ocean by myself. Probably isn't...

Do you know that you almost always upset me the day before therapy? It's like you have an internal clock that says, "It's time to do shady shit!" and then I have therapy after feeling fairly well about how things are going. Or is it that you really just don't give a fuck about me and are just using me to get over your issues so you can move on?  See..I know I'm over thinking this, and that's what is getting me into trouble and down this rabbit hole of doom.  If I only had the reassurances from you, I wouldn't be on this path.....

I threw up last night. Don't know if it was the ocean water that I gulped when got knocked over in the surf or that something in the BBQ right after with me... I feel better now. Finally got everything going on the bedroom. Confidence is key.  I'm doing well with trying to ignore all those tendencies to snoop. It's hard. But I know that it isn't doing me or or relationship any good. So I have been distracting myself with Zelda on my switch. 🎮 No idea what to have for dinner tonight. Something blandish for the tummy. 

If you can't have emotional connections you might as well get some thing.... I still feel like I'm not a priority in his emotional life but I am getting someone out of it. And I'll take it. I can get the other stuff in other places but that is a marriage only thing. That's my line! 

Well, if you can't have a emotional intimacy relationship, maybe you could have a physical intimacy relationship, right? Seriously, I might as well get something out of this whole thing.... I can make connections elsewhere I guess. Maybe find somebody who will ask me how my day is? What's new in my life? How am I feeling? You know things that people who love each other normally ask each other. But you know it's all one sided so I might as well at least get off... 

These are the kind of conversations that should be happening but are very one sided. It makes me wonder why I bother... 

diagnostic medical sonographer (DMS): Ms. Sutton, did anyone come talk to you about your mammogram today?  Me: (eyes widen) no...  DMS: oh sorry about that. You aren't having a mammogram today. We're just going to do an ultrasound to check on the stability of the cysts. We usually come in later than the radiology technicians so I apologize for that... Me: so no squish.... DMS: not today (gets me settled and starts the ultrasound, takes a new snapshots) Okay, I'm going to go show these to the doctor.  Me: ... Ok.... DMS: Everything looks stable and the complicated cyst seems to have disappeared so we will see you in December for your annual Mammogram and another ultrasound.  **It all went quickly so no time to catastrophize the experience ☺️

What do I do this to myself? If I didn't look at his score, I can be flustered that he doesn't share things with me. And then I wouldn't feel like I need to run away and cry?   I hate that I am not out growing this need for reassurance. 

Emotions are not facts. You can't read minds. You are worthy of great love. Stop overthinking. 

Missed opportunities, but they wouldn't understand.  Hell, I'm not even 2nd.  Fourth..... 

No longer his #1. In bed alone at 3:15....    6 months soon... Worried Never a good feeling knowing you aren't their #1

Talk about over reacting. Told him to throw away something this morning, now I'm treating him like he is 5 years old. Okay... I can see that.  Then while playing with features I got a notification and mentioned it and he snapped. Chill out, I was commenting that I got the notification. I wasn't questioning his actions. I must have been so toxic that is how he feels all the time. Yet I wouldn't know because that's not something we talk about.  Sorry, not sorry

More than half the year is gone. 2023 I had not been a good one. It's improving but it's a struggle. Learning thibgs about myself that I don 't like and are working on the change so that I can live my best life. 

Partners, if you're significant other is expressing themselves, please do not say " oh here we go again." These words were said to me last night and they made me feel insignificant and worthless.  No one should feel like that ever, especially when you're discussing things with the person you think loves you the most... 

Just got this from an email about the 5 Love Languages. My #1 is Words of Affirmation.  "People are typically at their best when they are dating. If you’re dating someone who knows your love language but refuses to speak it, it should indicate to you that your partner is selfish. In this case, her boyfriend was into himself and not into loving her. If that’s what dating him is like, imagine what being married to him would be like." To be fair I didn't know about this for the first 26 years of marriage so it's it fair to hold him responsible? Probably... I'm also tired of all of this... 

Next week I'll be traveling to Charleston, SC.  I've never been and am looking forward to staying downtown among all the old buildings.  One of the excursions I'll be doing is the tour of Fort Sumpter.  That is where the Civil War started.  Treason is not my cup of tea, but visiting the places where history happened is fun.  You have to take a Ferry to the island, and honestly, I'm looking forward to that part the most.  So what else is there to do in Charleston?  Will there be big Independence Day celebrations?  I've heard there is some excellent food to try.  The city market, the Rainbow Row, walking along the "Battery," as well as a few plantations that might be worth looking into.  Some of those house tours can get pretty...meh...

 🌾 Trying out Gluten Cutter for the first time! 🌾 Being gluten-free for years to manage my Hashimoto's Thyroiditis, finding the perfect pizza crust has been a challenge. Cauliflower crusts just don't hit the spot like the real deal. 🍕😔 But hey, times are changing, and gluten-free products have come a long way! Recently, I came across Gluten Cutter at CVS and Walgreens, and I couldn't help but wonder if it really lives up to its claims. So, I decided to put it to the test yesterday! I took two Gluten Cutter pills, ordered a mouthwatering Papa John's pizza, and dug in. 🍽️ To my surprise, no nasty side effects whatsoever! No urgent trips to the bathroom or agonizing stomach cramps. 😱🙌 Does this mean I'm throwing caution to the wind and indulging in gluten without worry? Of course not! But it does mean I have a handy solution for those occasional emergencies, special events, potlucks, or any spontaneous cravings life throws my way. Now I can enjoy the taste of gl...

Why are my Spidey-senses going off? SHUT UP!!  When will I stop feeling like this?

*sigh* double my score... What does that mean? 

On your phone... Playing .. thanks for that

 I'm trying to quiet my mind.  It is trying to go down rabbit holes that won't do anyone any good.   I was talking to someone about how my karma points must be racking up there....it's funny how that works...

Occasionally I'm going to be posting some of the positive things that are happening because they do need to be noted as well as any downers I'm having.  Jerry picked up some coffee creamer for me yesterday at the store. And it was the right kind! I didn't need it but I really appreciate that he thought I might. ☺️

 I decided today would be my laundry day.  I just folded the sheets and towels that I did this weekend.  Have my clothes in the dryer and the sheets that got changed in the washer.  Actually, it isn't that bad doing laundry.  When it's done, I feel like I accomplished something, and I didn't just waste the day away. 

 Another Monday... I'm trying to get things in order.  I honestly don't know what that means.  I mean, I don't work in the summer.  That might be a bad thing, though.  I am a couch potato.  I got a terrible sunburn in Orlando.  I thought it should be better by now, but it's still very red.  I am slathering on the Aloe to try to keep it calm.  My nose is starting to feel very scaley.  I tried to stay in the shade as much as possible, but this was bound to happen after five hours by the pool. I'm swimsuit shopping because the three I bought at the beginning of the year are all too big now.  Good problem to have, but it's so annoying.  I used my new Therapy Notebook finally.  I love it.  I can't wait to journal more there. Not like I don't put myself out there on here. I love that I'm so unknown that I can pretty much say anything I want on here, and no one is offended because no one reads this.  

I'm backsliding. I am sitting here in tears because I feel like the one person I want to be my best friend is failing me in every aspect of being my friend. You don't call your wife for a whole fucking week. You have 5 minutes every other day, even if you're shitting that you could have called me, but no, you didn't. The only time we talked on the phone was when I talked to you, and I made the phone call because you said you had a free moment. I get that you were really busy, and I get that's why you didn't want me there but FUCK!

I came to Orlando to meet with a friend that I haven't ever met before. We were both glass explorers and maintain a friendship for 10 years online. It was great to finally meet her. So why am I blogging at 1239 at night? Because I'm trying to avoid negative narratives to enter my mind and focus on the wonderful day I had today. I slept in. I spent 5 hours at the pool. Yes I did get sunburned but that's okay. I then went to dinner with another friend and this friend and it was wonderful. Then we came back to the villa and chatted for another three plus hours. It was such a good day and I don't want to let Debbie Downer, Negative Nelly, or any crazy wild stories to fill my mind and make me feel bad about my life. It's hard though. I think sometimes I want too much. I guess the problem is that I used to have it and now that I don't, I miss it.... 

I hate when you have to go to the bathroom before your alarm clock goes off. Do you go back to bed? Do you stay up? I don't really know. Oh I truly know is that I'm annoyed but I had to go to the bathroom more than 2 hours before my alarm clock is supposed to go off.  I'm going to Orlando today to meet my Google glass friend. I'm super excited! It's a solo trip so I will make sure that I'm safe but I'm very excited. 

 Just booked a room to go and meet an online friend for the first time IRL! Google Glass was such a huge thing, and I met so many wonderful people online and a few in real life.  It has taken a while, but I'm finally going to meet my online friend Steph.  I can't wait! I set myself up in a lovely little one-bedroom suite and plan to utilize the pools at the resort as well.  Things that aren't comfortable for me are things I need to be doing more of.  Get out of this shell and live!

I think I need to start focusing more on the positive. Because honestly, I am blessed. I have a lot to be grateful for...even in my marriage.  Yes, it can be rough. Yes, there will be bad days. Yes, I will survive it. So why not try to be more hopeful, positive, and loving to myself in every day life.  My therapy/anxiety book arrives soon, that will help me too. 

So I have a tendency to catastrophize and think my feelings are fact. Which I'm working on. When I actually calmed the fuck down and talked about things with him it made more sense. I hate that about myself.   He still insists that I'm worth all of this and he wants me. So I need to stop being a douche and looking for trouble.  Fuck me... I suck. But it's okay because I'm a work in progress. 

 I'm stuck.  I love him.  I think he loves me.   I'm not going to be a backup plan.  I will never accept his backup plan to be part of our life.  He told me he was done with her, which was a lie.  He knew exactly what I needed to move forward in this relationship and just lied to get what he wanted.  And it caught up to him...AGAIN! I don't even think he knows that I'm hurt.  He knows I'm not happy, but he is clueless as to why this bothers me.   I am not:  second a loser convenience You can have your little 8-month affair, but I won't be part of it.  We are done.  I can be your friend but can't be your wife in this scenario.  You should realize that we are done.  You fucked it up!  You got greedy. From now on, I will live for myself.  I will put MY needs above our needs.  Because that's what you have taught me.  I can be just as selfish, but I will wait until our divorce to pursue w...

I truly hate it when my intuition is spot fucking on because of course he's talking to Jessica still ( for 8 months) I can't believe I fall for his fucking charm. I deserve so much better. 

I never really thought I was this person that was filled with anxiety. Turns out I am ...  Working on it. 

When you sit in parking lots instead of coming home it just is so fucking shady. Why not just fucking leave me? Why are you this way? If you need time away from me let me know.. instead you do the shady shit and of course I think you're having an affair what you probably are. 

Tried the bike again. Was better but am still too fat. I think I need to move the seat back. We don't have the right tools for dong that right  now in the house. Going to order them. I need to be out biking when Jerry fucking leaves for conference. UGH!  I wish I could let that go. I haven't brought nit up to him though. Fucking disappointed 😞

So my pan b was to bike the heck while Jerry was at conference, which I wasn't invited to go. Very  disappointed.   I don't think he really knows how much it hurts me. So my plan was to bike in the new ebikesm turns out I'm too fat. Sure I lost 80 pounds but I can't peddle because of my big fat tummy. 😭 So now I have to lose more weight to do fun things without Jerry because she doesn't want to include me. FUCK !!! 

I need to print out those cbt forms. The nagging narratives are plaguing me. I mean there are just things that aren't adding up. I mean for some else, but not for me. Where do I keep chasing something that isn't chasing me. 

So in a roundabout way he basically told me I wasn't going to conference with him which is fine I guess because he can just fucking have a great fucking time with his fucking work friends and I hope he..... Argh!!! Whatever it's obvious again as I sleep in my bed alone for another fucking night! We talked about it not being two weeks before he came into the bed but it's probably going to be another fucking month. I'm sure that'll be by fucking fault too

I have to say my fears about the weekend were exaggerated. We have been having a wonderful time. I need to quiet my fears about next week going forward and not spoil the progress we have made. I need to talk to my therapist about that in Tuesday! 

Great talk with Jerry. I am understanding more why he is moving so slow. I do see his point. I need to quiet the narratives but it's hard to ignore those gut feelings.  Questions really trigger him. Stop being curious, I guess. 🤷🏻‍♀️ Yes, he is censoring what photos he is sharing. I still don't understand that. But apparently it's for my own good. So I don't ask questions... That's BS IMO.   I don't know if I can be who he wants me to be. I have nothing to hide. Nothing ! 

I hate that i just can't trust things.  But it's always HIM that these weird things happen with....I mention them and get like blown off. 

 I'm feeling pretty good today.   Home life is improving.   Work-life is fun right now because we have a Memorial Day Ceremony, and I love interpreting this event.  

So I finally just asked about Snapchat and I'm happy that my narratives and reality were not the same. I'm also hopeful because Jerry was so willing, open, and transparent. I don't think he realizes how big that was for me. I feel relieved. Those demons in my head can be loud and I need to keep working on silencing them. 

    I don't know what to tell you.  I know you are struggling with this situation, and in your heart, you just want comfort and happiness.  What would honestly give you that?  Him moving back into the bedroom but still increasing his Snapchat score? You living alone?  You divorced?  He is saying all the right things but he did that in December and January and your gut lead you to the truth.         The sexual intimacy has dropped way off.  He is kind and helpful but he was even at our worst.  I know he cares for me, just not in love with me. Hell, am I in love with him?  I thought I was but love isn't untrusting is it?  

I approached him about my intuition.  He says nothing is going on.  I guess I have to trust that he's just a fucking flirt and that they aren't anything.  But they are everything...because they weren't to me .  They were meant for someone else .  It cuts deep!  Last time my intuition was spot on.  How long do I wait this time?  Last time it was 4 months.  I can't do that to myself again.  I was miserable.  I'm starting to feel like I did in December :( 

Why the fuck pretend to be sharing your life when you censor what I see. Fuck you!!!!!  The fact that you took the time to carefully create a photo album for sharing is Shady Shit 101 and it makes me want to scream and cry. 

Today I decided to do my best impression of Linda Blair in the Exorcist at work today. I have no clue why I got sick. My co-worker ate a banana and put it in my trash can and I had to move the trash can because of the smell but by that time my stomach was already a little sour. I kept drinking my coffee thinking this might be a bad idea. I decided to switch to water and for the next 90 minutes I kind of walked around. Went to the restroom but sadly the time came when I excused myself from science class. Went to my office and... 🤮 It was bad. Needless to say, I went home. After a short nap I woke up feeling so much better but now all of my extremities hurt, but I think that's just from trying not to throw up. 

Intimacy has dropped off. Also spent the weekend alone in my bed. I'm sure the week will be the same. I think it's so odd that someone who says they want a marriage doesn't want to sleep with their spouse. I did sleep spectacularly last night though, so maybe it's for the best for me. 

I took my trombone and guitar to several shops and no one wanted them. Ended up donating to Goodwill. I really hope they end up in a nice home.  #Grieving #MusicianProblems

Naturally... I'm not asking. I'm not chasing. I'm done.  I did find it hilarious that the conversation to start all of the problems was intimacy. Hilarious and super sad! 

Over 10 snaps today.   Fucking just LEAVE me already why are you being so cruel??  

Tried talking and I'm not feeling like I'm getting any empathy or feedback so I'm feeling lonely and depressed. When will it all fucking stop?!? 

I just uninstalled it off my phone for the next few days to stop my harmful to myself behavior of watching Jerry's Snapchat score increase knowing that picture are what increases the score. So who is he sending pics to or receiving pics from.... I don't need to obsess.  Not chasing after someone chasing something else. 

Every night I go to bed alone I feel sadder and sadder and I just don't think he even really cares about that. But I'm not going to lower my fucking self. Do beg him to come sleep in the bed with me because that's not cool. He should just want to fucking sleep with me!!!! 

So here is what I did today, if I am talking... And you just stop listening or mention something else.. I'm just going to quit talking. Why should I bother sharing my life with someone who is preoccupied with other things? I shouldn't ... And I won't bother myself I'm with it anymore. 

I'm not going to ask for anything anymore as far as the relationship. No more invites to sleep in our martial bed, no more dates, no more move your requests to move your stuff into to integrate the living space, no more spontaneous fun time requests. It's on you. I've done my part and I'm tired of doing it. It's becoming obvious that you enjoy the single life just be prepared when that's all you have.... 

Why can't a day just be about me and not about your snapchat girlfriends? 

I can't be gaslighted, you tell me that you open Snapchat and then you got distracted by something and didn't read my post. That's just a slap of my face. You were looking for something else on that app that I got in your way and I know it.  Why do I allow myself not to be the priority? What damage is causing me not to just fucking walk away? I would say it for this from anyone else.....  Sleeping alone again.... I knew it though. I knew that he wasn't, isn't ready. He doesn't want to be married. 

So I asked Jerry to stay in the bed with me last night and he stayed over. I don't know if it's going to be a regular thing. When I talked about integrating our lives there was some weird facial things going on and silence so I don't know. July. The Snapchat score keeps climbing which of course makes me feel like crap. I don't have the nerve to ask him about it. We'll see... 

So I'm feeling myself. I told myself I wasn't going to check Snapchat because I didn't want to see his score going up at a rapid rate and unfortunately I didn't keep to my promise because I have friends on Snapchat and I shouldn't avoid it but sure enough fucking 12 points. I know this. He's not sharing 12 things with me yesterday. In fact he's not sharing crap with me and I'm over and I'm tired of it. And if he doesn't want to be with me just fucking let me go and let me know. 

Fucking roommate status... I hate this! 

Shared life. That's the goal right? That's what I really want. Most of all. I don't think that's what he wants it all. I think he wants to have a companion and a sometimes fuck partner, but I don't think he wants to share all of his little diddles with me which makes me sad. 

This is what I feel like I'm living:  Cause you're hot then you're cold You're yes then you're no You're in then you're out You're up then you're down You're wrong when it's right It's black and it's white We fight, we break up We kiss, we make up (You) You don't really want to stay, no (You) But you don't really want to go

Wonder if he figured it out and took pictures. ⭕🍆🤳

It's a curse having to notice all the little details about things in life. For example, I prefer cherry 7 up. 🤷🏻‍♀️ I know I should be grateful that he even thought about buying me soda and that's why I'm not going to mention it. I will simply buy cherry 7Up when I can buy it. 

They are fewer and far between now that I can walk fairly normal. Things still aren't normal. The clock is ticking loud and I'm trying to quiet that so I don't bolt. A huge part of me just wants to put a flamethrower to it all so it will just be over. Not that I want it over, just want something NOW. *sigh* I've never been any good at waiting. 

The bedroom is slowly getting less cluttered. I love it! Took two huge bags of clothes to Goodwill that I won't wear anymore. Feels good to reduce my clothing footprint. Now if I could just get a closet.... Not much else is going on. Still sleeping alone. Still "handling" things. 😉

The pile of stuff that I would see when I rolled over in bed is gone! It's amazing how much better I feel after it's gone. Now it's my turn to continue to declutter the bedroom. 

So after getting some encouragement from my therapist, I dove into some part questions with Jerry. A lot of good came out of it and a lot of clarity. I told him that I wanted to start moving forward again as I feel like we are settling, get to the limbo and that I'm not very patient. There was a little bit of pushback but that's to be expected. But if that continues got to have to keep pushing. The only thing I didn't have the courage to do tonight was to talk about our financial transparency. I still want to know what happened to that fucking crypto account.  

 I have therapy tonight, and I'm looking forward to it. I need to discuss the things I posted about last night.  Is my marriage holding me back?  What do I want the marriage to look like?  The last one is more probably a couples therapy question.   I think we really need to do that.  Too much is left to get figured out, which isn't working for me. 

Those are the things that are holding me back right now. I never knew I was feeling abandoned but I guess that makes kind of sense and it's because I can't control it which I know I have control issues. So there's that problem and then I was reminded that if I wasn't in a marriage would I allow myself to live like this? And the answer was no. So there's something about that that is holding me back or slowing the process or something? If I wasn't married would I just move on or because I made a commitment to a marriage? Is that holding me back? These are the kind of questions that I wish that I could talk to him about but I don't ever see that happening and that right there might be the answer to it all. So yeah hands in your pocket. No hug. Good night. 

I'm beginning to not give a shit... I don't think that's a good thing. I don't think it's acceptance. And I don't think I'm living a fulfilling life. So how do I stop this? I tried talking and it worked a little bit. Again, I just am tired of working at this. I want to feel like somebody's whole world. Not if it's convenient for me. Relationship. 4 months after 28ish years together doesn't seem like a long time. I know other couples who have been separated for far longer, but were they separated for good reasons? Or were they separated for the shit I'm going through? For example military families, I get that you're going off to do your duty and sometimes it's months or a year that you're separated and you don't really know what's going on in that person's life and honestly I don't know how people do that? Especially when we are so connected and so together and so involved and now it's like... Shady shit! Not be...

Why do you have to do sketchy shit? Just makes me want to run away. Obviously you have things to hide. 

Today was a good day. We seemed to connect pretty much all day. Hopefully this means more normalcy.  Finally had dinner at Fogo de Chão Brazilian Steakhouse and it was so good! 

 So we are sitting in the living room.  I am on the far end of the couch because Nutmeg is a brat, and Jerry is in the recliner in the corner.  He has his phone, texting away and smiling.  Instantly I am transported to January.  That feeling sucks, so I go to bed and cry.  I get up to get water, and he has lost his ring.  I thought it was his amethyst, but it was his wedding band.  At first, I was like, "Karma dude," but I feel bad.  It sucks losing a ring.   Later he tells me he is talking to Cortney about clients in Canada... This morning, I had an emotional outpouring and asked him if he was happy he was home and why.  I think I still need to get an answer to why....I told him how I felt last night and that his behavior instantly transported me back to January.  He said to me, "I told you who I was talking to..." which I said, "Hours later.." and he apologized for making me feel that way.  I told him last night was...

So he got himself beer for draft night. Didn't even bother to ask if I wanted anything... Not even a thought. I don't even want to be in the same room with him right now. Not that it would matter. He doesn't fucking care about me. it's becoming more and more evident.  Feeling like an after thought. I'm worth so much better than this...  Gonna eat and go to bed. 

Coffee Mate Bliss Sweet Cream  For years now ...