Back and shoulder....

 I was hit/ran into yesterday during class.  I ended up going to CareSpot for a few reasons. First, I was worried about interpreting.  Secondly, the pain was increasing.  The PA gave me a prescription for Flexeril to help me sleep.  It did help last night, but I'm super groggy today. 

In Jerry news, things are going....well....?  I am trying not to imagine the worst when we are apart.  I need to stop doing that, focus on what I'm doing, and be more present.  It's a long road, and I'm afraid that I don't have the stamina to do the work.  I tend to ditch and run. 

...limbo...

 So he is still talking to one of the girls.  The one he really liked blocked him.  While I feel bad, I don't.  I mean. I blocked him, and he doesn't seem upset about it, so fuck it. 

Still not sure how I'm feeling.  I miss him, but is it him or just the company? 

My house....

 I've been doing a lot of cleaning, packing, and decluttering to make the house more pleasant.  I would prefer not to be there, but I like the house despite its oldness.  If things don't work out, though, I have no interest in staying there. That's the hardest part.  The uncertainty of it all.  I like a good plan, and when there isn't one, I tend to find things to organize.  I really need some help moving boxes around so I can have more clear spaces in that back room.  

why do I get these get feelings...

.. that I believe are coming true. I wonder if he would even answer me truthfully. It's so hard not to trust someone you loved for so long. I want to run away... 

I'm a fool...

Why do I trust so much? I'm just fooling myself that this will work. He has no interest in making us work as long as he continues to have his online girlfriends. 

deep breath...

You need to learn that you just aren't his priority. He is going to lose me.

Valentine's day...

Well this sucks...

All I can wonder is if he's buying other people things even though I don't think I'm getting anything. I'll be surprised if I get a phone call or text message before 6:00 tonight. I tried to add him back on Instagram. We'll see if he even does that. He wasn't willing to let me look at the American Express bills which is shady. I know I'm impatient but I need more and I need it now. 

sitting.... waiting.

So we made tentative plants for today for the super Bowl and it's now 4:30. The game is in 2 hours. Have I heard anything from this person? Barely, other than they slept in. I don't know how to do this... I'm not built for this... 😭😭

Saving this here..

https://www.romper.com/p/15-signs-your-marriage-will-survive-infidelity-14375

Also this:

hmm...

Spent nearly for hours on the phone last night. Good conversations. I need to protect myself though. At least he didn't say no to therapy out right.  🤷🏻‍♀️  Lots of good honest talk. 

Going out to dinner with him tonight...I'm apprehensive about it. 

I just don't feel it...

At this point I don't think Jerry and I are ever going to get back together. I feel like I'm doing the work and he's not but maybe I rock but I probably not. I also feel like I'm still just an obligation that he has to call because that's what's expected but that he doesn't really want to do that. Can he talks about us going out on a date but I don't feel like it is going to happen soon. Because I think he's just going to get wrapped up in the everyday life of going to work. Going to his sister's. Going to work. Going to a sisters. I know that I should be working on me. I know that I should worry about all of that, but it's kind of keeping me stagnant and don't like it. We're coming up on about separated and I think he's content and that's fine but I need to be content too and I need to move on. 

Speration...

 Today I removed all the pictures of our life together and his recent pictures (ugh) from all the Google devices in the house.  I unfriended Jerry on social media accounts.  I need a total separation to mourn the death of the person I knew.  This new person is not my Jerry. I don't need to see their social media stuff. Honestly, it hurts me, and I must take care of myself.  

This is the hardest thing ever, and I'm tired of hurting and crying and all of that.  So if this allows me to get some space then it's needed.  And as my best friend's mother says, "Let that decision roll around a little bit and see how it feels." So that's what I'm doing. 

I refuse...

I was talking to someone about how my expectations were not being met, so I was getting disappointed in people. They suggested that I lower my expectations. At first, I thought, yeah, that makes sense, and then I thought about it. Why should I lower my standards and expectations for people who used to meet them? I refuse to allow people to walk over me and dismiss me. Do it. I'm done.

Also, I hate the house now. I want out. I want a new place that won't remind me of him. I'm tired of taking care of it. I'm tired of seeing his crap. I'm just tired.  

sleepy...

I fell down the drama hole last night and didn't really get much sleep. I need to make sure I'm taking care of me and not worrying about what he is doing. I can't control what he is doing and if he chooses to disrespect our marriage further than it will come out it will be obvious and we'll go from there. But I need to be me plug along do the best I can

ugh...

Jessica Jessica Jessica who the fuck is Jessica. It doesn't really matter who Jessica is at this point. Jessica is unfortunate person who happened to be the recipient of my husband's "admiration" 🤢 and she isn't the problem. So I feel bad for putting my hatred out in the world to this name Jessica because that isn't fair because the person I'm mad at is my husband. My husband who for 27 years has been. My rock is suddenly treating me as I'm nothing. My husband who promised me until death do us part and that there was no dying is now killing my spirit of everything. Love. My husband who can't bother to tell me where the fuck he's getting on a plane to I mean. I know he's going to salt lake City but I don't know how. I don't know when I don't know the hotel he's staying at. I know zip zero zilch and that's apparently what I've known for the past 2 months and it fucking sucks and he's so clueless because I have this blog that he could read and understand exactly what I'm feeling, but he's too dense to even bother to look me up. I'm sure he's researched Jessica and whoever else he's fucking around with thoroughly but he does even know his fucking wife. 

hypersensitive...

I do have a tendency to over react. I need to. Work on that. I'll bring it up tomorrow to my coach. Here is why I say that though. Every little disappointment, feels like a knife piercing deeper into the wound. I know I can't control what others do only how I react. 

I really need a person to be there for me. I've left myself venerable...how did I let that happen. 

Partnership...

If this marriage was a business and my partner treated me like this didn't communicate went days without communicating with me. Other than a random text message, I would dissolve that business partnership. I deserve. No I am worth more. I know he's going out of town for a week. I assume a week. I don't know. I have no details. His wife of 26 years has no details about a trip you're taking out of state. What kind of messed up world am I in? It needs to stop. 

what I need....

This is what I need to happen

Homework #14

14. If you could change one thing about your home, what would it be?

The freaking computer room. It's cluttered, it's dated and I just don't like it. It used to be a place where we collaborated. And then it became his office. And then it became his playground and it makes me sick. 

visit...

Jerry came over to get some clothes and stuff. It was all right at first and then apparently he needed to do the bird feeder which I don't really care about. He also then just seemed anxious to get out of here so apparently an hour is all he can stand of me. I don't know what to do at this point. He left and so I called him  and said that totally sucked and that that half ass hug was lame. I don't know that it was for him though because all I get is surfacey crap. I get no real emotion from him and as he puts it, life is too short. And I choose not to live my life without emotions. I'm not a pod person....   At this rate I don't know what to do.. 

Homework #20

20. Be your own best friend and write a letter to yourself telling yourself precisely what you need to hear.

Dear Jeanne,

It's been too long. I can't believe how good you are looking. It looks like you have taken charge of your health and it's showing. You seem to glow from within. 

Loving the smile! It radiates and really brightens a room. I know it was painful but I can see that it's exactly what you needed. 

The curls are lovely. Yes, they can get wild but that is you. You can be wild as well. 

I know these 2 weeks have been the hardest you have faced. I know you are missing your parents and wish they could be here to help guide you. They are...you know you are hearing their wisdom in your thoughts.

This wasn't about you. You didn't force him to cheat., He chooses to live that. And I understand why you are hurting. But that will pass. 

You will love and be loved completely again! You are worthy of so much. 

Keep your head up,

Me

Kondo life

Two full bags of clothes are going to Goodwill today.  As Marie would say, "If it doesn't spark joy..." Out it goes.  I have more to dig out in the back room, but my "closet" and dressers have been cleared out.  I'm sure there is more I can pitch, but I'm holding onto things...I don't know why.   I'll get there. 

Last week, I made the living room "clutter-free."  It makes me happy  :)

I really need to do the dining room.  ...and the computer room (UGH) and the backroom that should be a guest room, but now it's a junk room.  

Homework #10

10.  What do you value more than anything?

Honesty!  I'd rather you be upfront with me than gaslight me.  The truth always comes out; the more you lie, the more I will pull away.  Yes, it can be hard to admit to things, but it can be discussed and fixed if it's out there.  Lie after lie just buries the issues, and nothing gets accomplished. 

communication breakdown....

I will work on communicating with you... But that means only to talk about finances cuz that's all. Apparently we can talk about that's not any kind of a relationship. That's what you do with your fucking accountant. Oh he is an "accountant"  I forgot... 

homework....

I'm not divorced, just separated,  but my coach wants me to work out some things, so she gave me these prompts. I'm not ready for some of them, as I'm still deeply hurt, but I will do the work to improve. 

Here are 30 divorce journal prompts:

1. A letter to your ex sharing your anger or sadness

2. What are your fears?

3. What are you grateful for today?

4. Who are you thankful for today?

5. What are you most worried about today?

6. What are you looking forward to?

7. A letter of apology to someone you've hurt

8. What's one thing that you've always wanted to try?

9. Make a list of places you would like to visit

10. What do you value more than anything?

11. What are you learning about yourself?

12. What have you accomplished that you didn't know you could do on your own?

13. What are you most proud of?

14. If you could change one thing about your home, what would it be?

15. Where do you see opportunities for improvement in your life?

16. Write about your ideal first date

17. What do you miss about your ex?

18. Make a list of the things your ex did that aggravated you

19. What qualities will you look for in your next partner?

20. Be your own best friend and write a letter to yourself telling yourself precisely what you need to hear.

21. Make a list of things that bring a smile to your face

22. What are the five things you would like to do more of?

23. What do you love about yourself?

24. Write down one regret

25. What's one way you would like to grow in the next year?

26. What's one thing you dream about doing?

27. What do you need to be content?

28. What were your highs and lows of the last week?

29. What's one vacation you would take if the expense wasn't a factor?

30. Write down 10 ways you are going to take care of yourself going forward. (Bonus if you add them to your calendar, as well!)

Today I'm going to start with #2. 

What are your fears?  

I'm afraid of being alone. 

I'm afraid of having to worry about money again. 

I'm afraid of the half-truths that are being told. I know I can't control what others are saying. I can only share what I know to be true. 

I'm afraid of trusting. I keep finding things out that are super suspicious, and there are always excuses, but it doesn't sit right with me. 

I'm afraid of opening my heart again. This really hurts. More than my parents dying. More than the fear of me dying when I was diagnosed with cancer. (Remission now, yay) This fucking sucks!! 

I'm afraid I won't be able to get over this.