One year...

Today is the anniversary of the day my cancer was removed.  Weird sentence to type out.  Still seems surreal that I had cancer. I lost so much weight and was feeling good about that and "BAM" it was cancer. 

I am one of the lucky ones. My tumor was contained inside my kidney so they took my whole left kidney. Since then, I have several scans to make sure it didn't spread and so far my luck is still flowing. I will do probably do those scans for the rest of my life. The new normal is okay though. I didn't die. I survived after a hellish experience in the hospital and months of recovery.

The weight has come back, and that has me pissed off. It doesn't matter if I restrict calories, give up dairy, sugar, or eating all together the scales aren't budging. I know my thyroid messes with my body but it has been fairly stable. It's bumming me out!

Speaking of the thyroid, my doctor for more than a decade has retired so I start a new endocrinologist in mid-June. I'm hoping a fresh perspective will help me.

It's also the last day of school! This year has been a challenge on so many levels. I'm ready for the break.

Mom visits...

Last night I was visited by my mom in a dream.  It was one of those vivid dreams where I felt I could reach out and touch the surroundings and remember colors and whatnot.

I remember that Mom was in China, living her solitude life after Dad passed, which is odd because she passed four months before him.  I wasn't with her the entire time of the dream.  Part of it was like I was observing her from afar.  She had a quaint life there, one that you would expect if you were a senior citizen in China. Alright, maybe a more romantic version of life in China.  Never the less, there she was, strolling through gardens with beautiful blooming Sakura trees.  Sitting on benches as she read her book. Meandering over to a market to get some food to either eat there or take home to cook for herself.  It was pleasant. 

I do remember a conversation where she told me about an upcoming wedding in the family and that she was excited. The conversation was short though. 

Back home without mom, Jerry and I were attending some event, and suddenly two Chinese men approached me and started talking.  They had mentioned my mom and how we were all going to be family soon.  I looked puzzled and asked them how and they said the wedding. I confirmed they were talking about my niece's wedding and they continued to talk about how fortunate it was that we were all going to be family.

I woke up after that. 

It was nice seeing my mom.  She looked happy in my dream.  A little sad that maybe that Dad wasn't with her, but she was getting along. 

It was good to see her. I miss her and Dad a bunch.

Thank you universe for the Mom movie!

Being real...

This month has me reflecting a lot on my life. A year ago I was waiting to have surgery. I had lost a ton of weight, and I was excited about that but now know that it was because of cancer. So while I'm happy they were able to remove the tumor, I'm sad that within a month I gained all the weight I had lost. All of it. 😔

I have been really working on my diet and moving a little more and nothing. Doctors have suggested bariatric surgery in the past, but now that I only have one kidney, I don't think that is a good option. Even though my A1C was only 5.4, my blood sugar has been creeping up in the mornings, so I asked to be put on medicine.  I am not going to let last year be the decline. 

What does this all mean, why am I writing this?  For me...so I can put it out to the universe that I need help.  I need encouragement.  Not from you reader, from myself.  I need to own this if it's going to work. 

I know work is stressing me out.  We have the end of the year testing, and the communication is nearly non-existent.  It makes for long days and resentment.  That isn't healthy, so I'm trying to "let it go" and remind myself that there is more to life than just work.

While I am venting, let's talk about having short hair.  I usually get it cut every five weeks.  That's too long! I'm going nuts, and I still have 12 days before my cut. I'm ready for all the blonde to be cut out.  It clashes with my grey. 😄

There you have it...Jeanne being real, being Jeanne.

Gut feelings...

May 1st is an odd day for me now.  Last year, it was the day I was told I had cancer.  I'm still blown away by that.  I will never forget that Jerry had a gut feeling and knew that he needed to come to that doctor appointment.  That I would need him.  Funny...weird...