Van Gogh experience...

The Van Gogh experience was amazing. I'm so glad that I went. Afterwards Jerry, let me drive his new Mustang Machi. That's a pretty okay car. I still like my Tucson. Mostly the day went great. There was one little incident where I had to fish for a compliment and I probably shouldn't do that. I should probably just accept that. That's not how he is and if I feel cute then I am cute and fuck him if his car is more of a distraction than I am because when he said that and I said well I thought I would be the distraction. He got pissy-face and it hurt so lesson learned. Don't go fishing for compliments. Then I got to drive his brand new Mustang mock E and it's a pretty good car. I still like my Tucson better. I don't need a midlife crisis car... Which I feel like his ring wearing self needs. I hate that goddamn ring... It's like he put that ring on and became this person. I don't know if he is a narcissistic person but he has these tendencies where it's all about. You know I don't even know it doesn't matter. I need to work on me and make sure I'm happy and if he comes along with for the ride that would be nice after 28 years together but I don't know that I can be hurt every time I see him. 

light ...

Trying to keep things light. Invited Jerry over to watch Mandolorian and fixed him spaghetti. It was a nice visit. Need to stop obsessing over the past and look forward. It's hard. Especially because I feel so hurt. This weekend I'm going to purge more from my stuff in the bedroom. Do I really need a million bags? No... I do not. Less clutter will help me. 

Oh.  I mentioned to Jerry a few nights ago about the empty house and I'm not liking it and he suggested that I talk to my therapist about it. Dude, I AM DOING THE WORK!! I thought that was rich coming from him. 

ugh...

 Last night I lost my diamond engagement ring.   Two months to the day that Jerry left the house.  I'm trying not to let myself read too much into that.  It will turn up. It is in the bedroom...somewhere.

less than....

I'm a little down today. It's hard when you think for 27 years you are loved and cherished.... And now you barely speak....why should I chase someone who is chasing something else..

I saw a quote that said, don't be someone's "sometimes" by Bridgette Devoue it hit me hard. 

Movie...

Jerry invited me to go see Shazam! Fury of the Gods. FUN movie. I can't wait to see it again. It was a nice outing. Came home, quick kiss before saying goodbye and just ordered some P. F. Changs for dinner. 

I'm catching up on some Mayor of Eastown... Not really my favorite. As I type that I realized life is too short to watch shows that you don't enjoy. I'm going to watch some Shining Girl on Apple TV, while I Wait for my Mongolian beef to show up. I'm hungry. I had breakfast but then for lunch I had popcorn. Not really very healthy but I wanted popcorn at the movies but I am going to chow down on some Mongolian beef!! 

And once dinner is done I'm going to put on my robe and watch more TV and drink coffee till the wee hours of the morning!! 

Am I wrong?

Am I wrong because I don't want to have conversations with strangers on the internet that I'd rather connect with somebody that I know and can see and I don't know I mean... I get that's how Jerry and I met, but now it seems transactional. Here's a picture of my vagina. Send me a picture of your dick. Oh let's be friends. No! Did I become a prude? Am I abnormal? I don't understand.... And I'm supposed to be just okay that they're still friends. I'm sorry I'm not sending my vagina to other people. When I said "I do"  I meant you and you alone. So if you're sending anyone dick pics it should be me. But please don't because I'm not one of your little side chicks

everything and nothing ..

It seems like things are changing for the good but that one thing is still happening and I am having problems letting that go. So I'm back to square one but not really. It's like everything is changing but that doesn't so nothing really has changed. 

When your everything becomes a part of something... What's left.... 

happy birthday....?

Today I turn 56. I'm thankful to be alive. Yesterday I went to Silver Springs and did the Glass Bottom Boats with Jerry. He has me confused. There are times he can't get enough and then like a switch I'm feeling nothing but acquaintance vibes. 

It's 2:30am and we are going to Weeki Wachi springs to see the mermaids. I WILL be present and not worry about anything other than enjoying the experience. 

Be present! 

Monday of Birthday week....

 It was a great weekend.  I really like my new car.  It's very comfy.  Feels very Jeanne :)

Jerry stopped by last night after his week in Las Vegas.  Honestly, I don't know why.  He said he wanted to see me, but it was late (8:30pm), although I made him spaghetti.  He would have been better off going home and resting. However, he did mention that he had to eat if I needed another excuse other than him wanting to see me.  I need to trust his intentions right now.  I need to work on that.  Trust....such a crazy concept. 

I had an eye appointment this morning.  My eyes are less bothersome than in previous appointments.  I had moved it from earlier this month because I didn't want to take time off work.  I should stop doing that and just go to them when I schedule.  Life is too short to worry about pissing off my employer. 

It's my birthday week.  I tried to get some Kilwin's ice cream over the weekend, but St. Augustine was crazy, and after that fiasco, I didn't feel like going to the town center. 

Tomorrow we leave for our "Separate Room Vacation" which should be interesting. I'm nervous.  I'll probably ask my therapist today about tools that might help. 

things...

Got a new car. A Hyundai Tucson.. she is lovely. Very techy.

Today a colleague of mine told me that in the past two weeks he has noticed that I am different. The words he used were glowing, blooming, and a beautiful looser aura. I thanked him and told him that I have been working on myself. 

I have to say that is probably one of the best compliments I've gotten recently. ☺️

Tuesday....

 Tuesday is my least favorite day of the week.  It's in there, taking up space.  

I go back to the doctor to check up on my shoulder.  It's doing well.  I get tired and stiff if I do too much, but I haven't followed the "range of motion" guidelines. (Oopsie)

After my appointment, I'm supposed to have dinner with Jerry.  He is leaving for Vegas tomorrow, and I won't see him until we go on our trip together.  I doubt I'll hear from him this week. I need to remember to refrain from making up stories about why he isn't contacting me.  This is going to be hard.  Thankfully, I have a therapy session on Monday that will help me out.  

*sigh* I never knew I was so damaged until he messed up. 

New week...

 Mondays are always full of hope. A new week.  A chance to jump in with both feet and just go. 

My therapist is on vacation this week, so I have no sessions. I'm sad because I'm learning how to be a good citizen of the world.  Let's face it, we can all use a person to use as a sounding board, especially one that doesn't judge you or has no emotional attachment to you. 

I have booked a little trip to some springs for spring break.  Jerry is traveling with me, although we have separate rooms.  It will be nice to be out of town.  I'm hoping it goes well.  The separate rooms will allow both of us a break from each other. 

He goes to Vegas this week, so I probably won't hear from him very much.  

Things I'm working on:

• Not looking for motivation
• Noting the positives and not just the negatives
• stoping the "stories" from invading my brain
• living in the now

The last one is the key, I believe.  If I live in the now, all those other things won't pop into my head.  Or at least I'm hoping that is how it works. 

These speak to me today...

 

Anxious Attachment....

My therapist wanted me to take this test to figure out what style I am... Apparently I'm an Anxious Attachment style. 🤷🏻‍♀️

You can test yourself at The Attachment Project.