Being Jeanne...

 I'm doing well.  I'm trying to be normal in this relationship and not look for the bad. I think I'm doing a good job of that.  Life is too fucking short to be miserable all the time. His "friend" messaged me again.  I have no clue what this woman is up to.  Why?  I don't get it.  I'm really working on not letting my brain go down the dark path and assume things.  I want to trust....it's hard though. We are off for 3 days due to Hurricane Idalia.  So far it's been a non-event.  We are expected to get some wind this afternoon.  *shrug* We'll see... We head to Jekyll Island this weekend for Labor Day We are back at the Ocean Club.  I'm hoping the ghosts of Christmas vaycay have vacated.  That was an awful experience!! Time to play some Diablo 4 and forget the world. 

Someone commented that I hadn't been posting much on social media. When I am depressed, I tend to hide. All I want to do is sleep and I really don't think about putting myself out there.  I'm slowly getting back to it with work posts but I really don't want my life to be all about work. I really want a full life. Right now, I'm not there. I feel like things are lacking. Intimacy, and I'm not just meaning sexually. I would love some non-sexual cuddling, more hugging,.... more.  I love hugs.... When my person is around it's like having my best friend there but if I'm outta sight, I feel like I'm outta mind. I'm trying to initiate but then I get resentful.  I am worth it! 

First day back to work.  71 min classes where the teachers talk the whole time, times 5 periods, equals a very tired Jeanne. Jerry is making dinner. Steak, potatoes, asparagus, wine..... Here is where the evil brain kicks in...He says it's because he knows I was going to be tired but part of my brain thinks there are other reasons.  I'm not happy that my brain questions his good deeds. That I think he is doing it because of what I call "shady shit." EMOTIONS are not facts! Stop it, Jeanne! 

You snipe, I snipe back. I need to not do that. "When they go low, we need to go high! " 

Both professionally and personally. I'm feeling like I did a year ago. I'm just not happy but I can't tell anyone that because they don't understand. Of the kiss goodbye this morning was uninspired. But that's how it's been for the past 2 weeks. I don't know if he's got another piece on the side that he's chatting with and getting off to. I don't know but I know he's not getting off to me and he's not getting me off and I don't know. Maybe I'm expecting too much. I probably am... 

I don't think you like me. If you did, you wouldn't interrupt me or if you did, you'd ask me to continue after you were done. 

You can talk for hours about your life, past, present... But the moment I wasn't to talk about our intimacy issues suddenly "I have selective hearing" asked you don't want to talk about it in the middle of the night. That hurts.  I have never really failed at anything and I think that's why I'm having a hard time with all of this. This relationship isn't great anymore.   It's not bad... It's just odd. And that seems like a failure to me. 

You sit there and tell me how proud you are of Lance of not working while he's on vacation and here we are on vacation granite, It's a staycation but it's still a vacation and you're on a call. They knew you were on vacation. You knew you were on vacation. And yet you are still away from me working. Am I a bitch? Probably but... Yeah I'm a bitch fine. Let's just say I'm a bitch and I'm sorry. I expect people to be on vacation to actually be on vacation.  I'm betting we don't have sex this week either... 

Intimacy has dropped way off. Memory scheduling fun time for today. I got "I'm so tired." I bet he didn't even take his pills today. What's going on?  

I cried myself to sleep. I said to him. I know you love me. I just feel like you don't like me and I got silence. Silence is an answer. A pretty loud one. 

I am still having a hard time trusting him. Our communication during the day is like it was in February and March. Very transactional. I'm probably exaggerating. I know that I am. I'm just in a low moment right now, but you should know that I require reassurance. You know I'm an anxious preoccupied attachment style person. You know that words of affirmation and quality time are my top two love languages and yet it's like you don't even know me. I know that your top one is active service and I fucking do everything and I'm starting to fucking resent it.   Okay, deep breath... Maybe I don't do everything but I feel like I'm in charge of making sure that we have plans and I'm done. I'm not Julie McCoy. I'm not your cruise director..I'm Jeanne!  Oh and the intimacy thing... Yeah where the fuck is that?