Being Jeanne...

 I couldn't be happier that it's the last week.  This has been another challenging year.  I am wondering whether I just need a break or a break from educational interpreting.   Looking forward to sleeping in those first few days of break.  Then I need to get my act together and do some purging.  I'm feeling suffocated, and I know a lot of it stems from the clutter in the house. I don't need all this stuff. I also have some places to sell my Barbies to. They need to go. I really want that back bedroom to be functional again.  I don't like knowing that it's just a cluster fuck of junk back there.  Too much stuff.     Some days, I wish we lived in a smaller place. I like this house, but it needs a lot of work, and I'm saying that stresses out Jerry...so I just keep my mouth shut, which isn't healthy for me.  Two more wake-ups...

 Feeling like I'm not a priority, even though he still takes care of me.  Yes, he still makes me breakfast and helps me pack up my stuff to go to work but at night it's phone, phone, phone.   I hate it.  Then I get on my phone and I know that isn't good for me.  I told myself I was going to excuse myself from the room when I saw that but I haven't been diligent.  I need to...I don't want it for any part of me.

It takes work to keep a marriage alive and thriving. And some days you just don't feel like making that work...  I'm in that phase right now. I just want to exist and it kind of sucks because I don't really like the way my marriage is going right now. It's not bad by any means. It's just kind of bland, and part of it is my fault because I am not leaning into it. I am not taking the time to initiate intimacy. I am not taking the time to initiate much lately. So yeah, a little of it's on me, and I don't seem to be getting any pushback, so yeah... That being said, I am going to try to reach out and have some physical contact and things of that nature because I do know that it's important in a marriage to reach out. I just don't know when LOL... I have nine more wake-ups until summer break. And might just hold off until then. Weekends are better. Weekdays not so much. So yeah, marriages are work. Don't forget it. 

 End of the school year blahs! It's been a rough year.  From no support on how to deal with a behavior in class with one student that caused another student to basically be neglected.  Couldn't get the help I needed, so I moved to an elementary school where the staff wasn't too pleased with my coming.  That isn't entirely true..some of the people were friendly and I can now call them work friends..but for the most part.  It was a chilly opening.  Finally got to meet the principal after months of being there, and apparently rubbed her the wrong way.  My yearly evaluation reflected that as well.  I guess my fighting for what I needed to do my job as a related service provider didn't fit with their need to control information.   I won...that's all that matters. Although, as I mentioned, my evaluation was the lowest it's EVER been.  I have never received below the top tier.  I would accept it, but it's all in the technical skills o...

 I had tons of labs done and then had my appointment with the doctor only to be told, "Eat less and move more."  Are you fucking kidding me.   I broke down and wept infront of the doctor.  When she questioned about how much I was moving I told her my steps and explained I was exhausted.  That we go to be some nights at 6:30pm because I just can't do anything else.   When she asked how much I was eating I told her that some days I was lucky to hit 1000 calories and she was just dumbfounded.   As I sat there weeping, she suggested going to a gynecologist to talk about hormones that at this point there was nothing more she could do.  I felt defeated! Not allowing myself to just wallow. I decided that I needed to talk to the dietitian that maybe they had the help I was looking for. I made an appointment and talked to the dietitian a few days later and thankfully they had some ideas on how to lower my insulin resistance with food and die...

 It's going well.  I am keeping up.  In fact it's the one thing I can control right now. I feel like my health is declining.  It's scary and I don't let people know how truly afraid I am.  Some days I am amazed I can walk. Jerry's book is his book. It seems like we do  alot of work for the book.  I don't mind the editing but some days I would just like to sit on the couch and watch tv at night.   I get that my will to keep things...easy just feeds my saddness of nights wasted away by scrolling and not watching what I really want to watch on TV.  Like Bridgerton...I love that series and love being swept up in the drama of all that is...Bridgerton.  Have we watched any of it...no!  Have I said I want to?  Many times.  Sometimes it's just easier to go to bed and read than be sad.

Isn't it cute?!? It helps keep me inspired to do a short little haiku every day. 

 I love a good haiku.  It's short, it's direct, it's totally a Jeannie doable thing.  So I'm going to do a Haiku every day, and then at the end of the year I'm going to publish them...whether they suck or whatever.  Then we can have 2 published people in this house.   Wow...jealous much?  I hope not ....prolly...I'll work on that LOL

Today, I had to move a desk pushed up against a media cart so I could go to a training. I was told after requesting a space that I was free to use the SLA PE room on the says when the PE Teacher was at a different school. Ok... So what about all my resources... Am I supposed to carry those?  When you treat professionals as temporary assignments...they will give you temporary assignment level work. Why should I go out of my way to be prepared if I have to do it at home, on my time/dime when others are given the time and space to do the same.  Yes, I'm happier than I was a month ago....and apparently won't worry about prep...because it's not afforded to me.  Just sad...

How dare you try to burst my bubble and suck the magic and wonderment living in my brain.  It's like you don't know me....and it hurts. 

 I will not accept that again.  Just putting it out there that you better not fall into those same patterns because I'm not doing that again.  I don't care how much you love me...SHOW me by respecting me by putting down your phone and talking to me in a kind, polite tone.   This girl is worthy of being treated like a true partner.  If you can't handle that, get some balls and move on!

 I thought doctors were supposed to help people.  I had my Endochronologist appointment today and felt dismissed.  I practically begged for help and got nowhere.   I have Hashimoto's.  I'm post-menopausal. I have diabetes. I have PCOS.  You would think they would want to offer me as many options as possible, at least to get their co-pays out of me.  Nope...eat less, move more.  FUCK YOU! I had tried earlier to get into a Metobolic Center, but my insurance wouldn't cover it.  I get new insurance in January...gonna try then.  Something has to change. 

He's trying to balance it but I can feel me turning away... 

 If I ask.... Why not just answer me instead of getting defensive. You know it's a trigger...fuck you...

W hy do I set myself up for failure? I need affirmations so I give them hoping that by modeling behavior I will get that in return... But I don't. 🫤

Went to an American Sign Language (ASL) conference this past weekend. I wish I could day it was great but I'm in the middle of not being constant with my profession. Didn't get me wrong... The work is fine... It's all this other BS that goes along with working.  I still have a month of dinner cancellation and I'm hoping that helps my attitude.  So the conference itself was fine. I was a little annoyed with the content for the classes. For hours is a long time to be sitting in a workshop. I guess if I had to earn CEUs it might have meant more but because I'm in education.... The state doesn't require that. So I go to classes I think could improve my work. Meh...i really didn't learn anything new but has several reminder moments about things I should/shouldn't be doing... So that's beneficial.  Again... Still on summer vacation so trying to set that work mode aside.

I get that I'm a fundamental kind of person. I ask the usual question when you get home. How was your day? What did you get for lunch?  Anything new?  ...and of course, you give me your run-of-the-mill answers.  Fine, blah blah blah... But then a day later you send me a picture of something that you bought while you were at a store and expect me not to start "narrating possible situations" because you don't write anything with that picture.  I'm just supposed to know.   This is why I feel confused and left out of your world.  Because you don't share those little details that I would love to get.  I know....basic girl crap....you know what?  It's basic because that is how it should be ...basic information sharing. 

Some days I think I'd be happier being single because I wouldn't have any expectations of people...  Feeling meh...lonely... dismissed... 

Isn't getting a raise a good thing? Isn't it something you tell your partner?  Apparently not in this household. I'm tired of his lack of wanting to share things with me. I'm tired of this fight... 

Today was the last day of the 2024-2025 school year. It was a rough year. I nearly quit several times. Hell... I even thought about teaching so I got my temporary certificate. I'm thankful I have a supportive partner that backs me on my decisions.  I'm going to take these two months to rest and take care of some health issues.  I'm also going to work on some triggers that make me question things.  I can't watch a TV show with indiscretions without being back at Oct 2022-May 2023. I feel. Sock for feeling that way... I don't know how to get over it.  Maybe I need more therapy...

Knee is going well. The steroid shot is working wonderfully as well as the Lidocaine and Diclofenac.  I have been feeling happy and connected until tonight....  Apparently Jerry is working the golf tournament...that used to be our thing. I am having feeling about it but don't want to talk about it because I'm gonna fight if I do.  Why am I even going... 

I fel February 5 and am just now getting in to the orthopedist. It's all because of workers comp. Slow process. I have been doing physical therapy which is helping.  Apparently I was here in 2017 for a fall that occured at the DTU "Back to school" meeting. Schools and knees.... There might be a connection.  Just had X-rays and now I wait to see what the doctor says.  I'm sure it will be, you're bold. And you keep falling... 🤷🏻‍♀️  I'll update later. 

Here I am again taking a back seat to the phone. Now you are obsessed with the draft and politics... Whatever. I'm done... Go fuck yourself 

I'm sorry I get exasperated with you. I am tired of you not taking care of yourself and I have to live with those consequences. That is probably not right and I guess I'm just a bad person.  I'm sure you are back to talking to others because we are basically roommates. We aren't even friends who fuck. I've had to pleasure myself and honestly it's quicker and far less drama.  WTF, I ask about looking at my results and you don't even let me look at them. How wrong is that?!? 

Had my appointment today. My eyes are stable...which is good.  Been playing Stardew Valley a lot. It's a great way to relax. Jerry is addicted too.  Unsure about what is happening at work but I guess we will just wait and see. 

Here I am 58 years old. It's been an okay day. Jerry has been spoiling me with gifts and my favorite breakfast and a lovely lunch.  I am sad that we are going anywhere. I have been wanting to get out of the house for months and it hasn't happened. I thought I dropped lots of hints but I guess I'm just going to have to take things into my own hands if I want things done. I hate that I have to do that.  I am going to go out and about and if he has to work he has to work. I'm just going to go... fuck it

Couldn't take my breaks. Didn't get my full lunch. I need to not give a shit and just walk out when it's time for ME!  I also am tired of my situationship... I know marriage has its ups and downs but man. The rut is real and I'm so freaking bored with things. Not sure if I'm actually getting time when I'm talked to but that is what I'm hearing.   When did I become this shell of a person. 😑

I left for work at 7:30 this morning. It is now 6:59 and I came home and dinner had not been started and the packages are just sitting here. No questions like hey what is this? Do I need to put anything away? I don't feel like I have a partner right now

  ..to sit around and let this happen.  I would rather leave your company than remain in that presence. 

It's been a pretty good day. A little bit of phubbing... But he says it was football. I don't know if I believe it but I'm trying to.  I miss my parents today, it seems like they just made the holidays more fun.

That's what I feel like I'm stuck in. We have barely talked in 1 days. I know he doesn't feel well but he keeps saying he is fine. I'm so bored! 

I can't believe I'm getting upset over gloves. Sometimes I'm ridiculous!! We got the gloves out. He went ahead and packed his with our me knowing. I said, "We can't forget our gloves." And he replies, "I already packed mine.”  Why am I upset by this? I feel like he wasn't looking out for me, I guess. I need to remember to put my own mask on before assisting other passengers. ✈️💺 

I don't like being a care giver. Especially when I have to wash their dirty dishes. If you cook. You should clean.  I feel like I'm carrying the load right now. I'm sure it's over exaggerating but it's how I feel. 

 I don’t want to work with this s' tudent anymore. I am feeling unsupported. I need to be better about taking my breaks. It does help.   The student doesn’t know how to work properly with an interpreter. He thinks I am his personal tutor and even though I am capable… I just don't want to do it. Especially for someone disrespects me! As for as support... I took a picture of the support schedule so I can now document when it happens. I do my fucking job…

Don't say "I didn't know" and then change your story. It's lazy communication. And it pisses me off. It makes me feel small and unimportant. 

The election didn't turn out as I wanted it to and I'm a little scared but Jerry remind me that government rolls slow so we have that. Also I'm pissed off at people who are butthurt because their amendments didn't pass but didn't bother to vote. 

I want that feeling....  I want the passion....  I'm tired of always asking for it.... 

We are in the middle of football season. Honestly while I love going to the games... I like not going too. Why? Sometimes we (he) can't move past a bad game and enjoy the day. It's draining. 

You know blah blah blah. I don't. Now I'm , feeling like a complete fucking idiot and super small and stupid. Thanks. Thanks a lot. Thanks for making me feel this way.   When you use always and never when you're arguing with me, I will immediately shut down on because you've reverted to your immature self. 

Alternate accounts much? 

Why do I not trust my relationship? What makes me doubt things? I have no evidence of anything but feel like things are slipping away....  I need to stop catastrophizing things.... But how? 

I seem to be crying more and I don't like being this person and I feel very lonely most days. 

Something has changed. I don't know what but I am snapping more when I talk to him and I'm feeling not heard or seen. I feel like he is in his phone more again. I just want to cry. 

Wow... He actually called me to check on my day. He hasn't done that in over a year! 

So apparently he is still in contact with her and he thinks I don't fucking know these things like I'm a fucking idiot and no he may not be calling her or sneaking around. I don't even fucking know anymore but I'm so sick and tired of him allowing these women to come into our life and fuck our marriage up because that's what it's doing cuz right now I want him the fuck away from me!!!! 

So I have to say that since me finding out that he was still talking to people he fell in love with. I have been distant and I'm trying to rail against that feeling of just wanting to get the fuck out because he is my person. I don't know that I'm his person and he is trying to prove that he thinks of me as his person but I just don't see it sometimes. I really wish I could trust again but I can't. I don't know how to trust. I know it has to be earned and that is hard. I almost wish not that I want to be love bombed, but I wish he would over communicate right now because that's the kind of reassurance I need or I feel like I need. I probably really don't need that. I'd probably be like dude. Whatever. I don't need a blow by blow but sometimes I feel like I do need a blow by blow. I need to be married to fucking Howard Cosell. I want to know what you're doing, where you're doing it even if it's mundane crap. Share your fucking life wit...

Do I The word sucker written across my forehead? Oh I was just playing with the filters. Yeah why did your Snapchat score go up in 20 points in one freaking day? I'm so triggered right now. I don't know what to do. I want to run. I want to run far. I want to get the fuck out of here

So when do you post a Snapchat to me? I know exactly why you were doing it. It's because you think it's going to keep our friendship and you know what you've lost it. We're no longer besties on Snapchat and that's because you have. I don't know tit and vagina pictures again? 

 Had a dream Jerry was cheating on me with some chick named "Ash" at the conference but it was date night and in the dream he admitted to getting a BJ from her.  Woke up in an emotional wreck but after talking it out with him, he finally understood that I didn't need for him to defend himself but to reassure me that we were solid.  Sometimes getting him on the emotional healing wheel can be a chore.

 This is the second day in a row that he has been talking to Christy from work. She no longer works at the same place but apparently still needs things from him. Sus... yes... I'm trying not to let it get to me. I have no evidence other than him smiling at his phone again.  We are on vacation.  Stop fucking working!

Why do you have to change your mind all the time?  Because I fucking can!!! 

So I'm in Anaheim for Jerry's conference. We're supposed to go to Disneyland on Thursday. My feet are so sore from walking around today. I've done 12,000 steps. I've been up since 3:00 a.m. Eastern time. It's now 5:00 p.m. Pacific time. I'm so fucking tired. I'm supposed to eat dinner but I don't really want to eat anything but I know I should. Or maybe just get something a little snacky?  Things are going well. I of course still doubt everything but I'm getting better. It's hard not to think back that at conference time last year he didn't even want me to go with him and that still kind of hurts.  Disney! That's my main reason for being here. 

The answer "maybe..." Usually means no. He says not but we will see.. I hope I'm wrong.. 

I never knew how much that word could cut when it's used in a sentence like, "Why do you always do this?" I instantly shut down. 

Not once did. I get "off" by Jerry this past month. He did by me... Once. It was a very low incident month for intimacy. I wonder if he realizes it. I know I can't bring it up until after my cold is gone because he will use that against me. Like he knows when I'm not in the mood.. NOPE!! Don't assume that because my fingers hurt that I wouldn't enjoy some SFT. 

Two nights ago I put it all lit there. It was the first time I said that his vague language was giving me doubts and I needed direct, clear, verbage! While we didn't get much sleep because we were talking I feel so much better about us! 

If I feel like I'm in the way then tell me I'm not in the way. Don't just hop and puff and then I won't go away and now I just don't want to fucking even see your fucking face. I just want you to fucking go away

Every time you randomly Snapchat me, I worry that the only reason one on Snapchat was to do something else and then you sent me a message because he felt it was obligated. I do not want to feel like an obligation I want to feel like hey, I think this would be fun to send Jeanne and oh yeah, here are my friends to you, but the fact that we're not each other's best friends says a lot. I  I know I really shouldn't worry about it because you do come home and are loving and adoring to me so... 

I'm no longer your best friend. Which means you've replaced me....AGAIN.  I don't even know how to explain this to you without you blowing a gasket. "I'll just delete Snapchat" I doubt you would and what does that even do other than make you resent me.  I don't know what to do. 🙁

Feel like I'm slipping into the friend zone. I'd like more but I don't toose my best friend. So what do I do.... 

Fastest date ever every had egg feeders with you on your phone smiling an GF then stumbling to tell me what you were looking at... I'm triggered. Don't bolt. Water your garden....  I fucking hate gardening. 

I told myself this morning that you answer a lot of people at work via text messages and that you are probably tired of texting so I'm going to take that off your plate.  Life is too short to be mad about something I can't control. Need to adopt the IDGAF attitude about that and remember that I love you. 

 I guess I know where I rate.  I don't message you because I'm in a meeting and over an hour late getting home.  You don't even question it.   Not feeling the love....

I'm sure if I was one of your little bimbo chicks online that you were masturbating to, you'd be answering her right fucking away. Instead you just leave me on read all the fucking time!  Especially because I know it goes to your watch and I know that works because the other day when I texted you, you looked at your watch because you got a notification. So you ignoring me just means that I am not a priority and it's very clear even though you're helpful and good to me and you're always touching me as you say.  Maybe I'm just fucking ridiculous. Maybe this is exactly what I deserve. Fuck no it's not!!!  Update: 8:45 So apparently he did text me. I didn't get the notification.. weird.  So not a fucker...that would be me 🫤

Over all a good relaxing week. I barely thought about work. I only had a few days where I didn't trust the relationship.... I need to ask how to get past that. I know "my narratives" are not facts but they feel real. 

So then... You go into Snapchat but don't even look at my public story because you are only looking for your hookups 🫤

Just about the time I feel secure his score jumps. I hate that I look. I hate that I don't trust.... I wanna go home right now and escape this feeling.

That was an over reaction in my opinion. Just go back to your boob girls and leave me the fuck alone!!!!  Oh by the way my head is fine where the dish fell on top of it. Thank you so much for only worrying about picking up the dish and not my safety. You know what fuck you!!! 

So keep climbing that score while I get "left on read." I know rationally that shouldn't hurt, but it does... 

I just don't feel like he is 100% on board. I feel like he is ok intentionally locking his phone, tilting it away from me, and leaving the room to use his phone. Red fucking flags IMO

I hate the days I get triggered. Come in. Start talking to me and immediately put focus on your phone. Notification galore ... Snapchat score still climbing. I don't like being this person. 

My family is established. My husband likes my posts but doesn't really look at them.  I'm feeling alone! 

I just triggered myself by reading past text messages. 😭

I'm so tired lately. I'm wondering if my thyroid is off again. I really need to get it checked but I don't go until April or I think that's when I go.  Jerry and I are doing well. I still doubt everything but I'm trying to get better about that. He goes away for 3 days next week and I really have to make sure that I don't make up shit in my head that he is sleeping with everybody at the conference. Not that he has ever done that but you know catastrophizing much?!? 

notice where the fire is and my seat. He set it up so that he is by the fire and I'm off in the cold. The symbolism probably wasn't intentional but it seems like it was. Out here on my own. Thankfully it's 76° F out