uninstall....

Uninstalled some apps to check his sugars, sharing location, and sharing maps. I am obsessing over those things and that isn't healthy. 

He wanted someone else, he doesn't get to see my life. 

rating...

Now every time we talk he rates the conversation. For example he will say. "It started off bad but it was good at the end" ...thanks Howard Cosepl for the play by play. 

Talk about being critical... 

broke my rule...

I was doing good and I got weak and I reached out. And I was basically told that I can't keep talking about the past. I don't want to talk about the past anymore. I want to talk about the future. But when you don't talk to me at all, all I can think about is the past. And you said you will talk to me tomorrow but you said that earlier to me this week and then I didn't hear from you until 2 days later. So we'll see... 

unbelievable....

I can't believe it's been days without any contact. How do you do that to a person that you say you love? Yes, I could reach out but why?.... It's obvious he doesn't want to talk to me. I'm in shock... What the actual fuck?

Every day it become more clear...

 I am not a priority in his life.  I am second to Jessica or the countless others he has going on.  So Jessica, stake your claim.  I will not fight you, but I will get what I need to continue a life that he and I built, and he decided to chuck aside for virtual passion.

Nutmeg and I are becoming close.  It's wonderful.  I'm sure it's out of necessity for her, but again....not a priority in his new life.  It's fine.  I'm good.  I'm working on myself.  I'm a good person who did not break marriage vows, lie, or do things on the internet.  Hope there is no turnabout there and his professional reputation isn't damaged. 

crying in the dark....

I'm sitting here, in my living room, in the dark.... crying...

I refuse to seek comfort in strangers because that seems cowardly to me. Fucking fix what's broken or leave it so it can heal itself. I NOW feel like I'm being kept a prisoner. 

Anger... I don't like this feeling at all. 😭

I'm done...

I'm done initiating contact. It's becoming more and more obvious it's over. It sucks totally. I mentioned that it had always been me initiating contact since last Thursday... And he did make contact to make sure we were still meeting last night, but that's it. 

I hope I'm never that selfish towards anyone.