Being Jeanne...

So I have to say that since me finding out that he was still talking to people he fell in love with. I have been distant and I'm trying to rail against that feeling of just wanting to get the fuck out because he is my person. I don't know that I'm his person and he is trying to prove that he thinks of me as his person but I just don't see it sometimes. I really wish I could trust again but I can't. I don't know how to trust. I know it has to be earned and that is hard. I almost wish not that I want to be love bombed, but I wish he would over communicate right now because that's the kind of reassurance I need or I feel like I need. I probably really don't need that. I'd probably be like dude. Whatever. I don't need a blow by blow but sometimes I feel like I do need a blow by blow. I need to be married to fucking Howard Cosell. I want to know what you're doing, where you're doing it even if it's mundane crap. Share your fucking life wit...

Do I The word sucker written across my forehead? Oh I was just playing with the filters. Yeah why did your Snapchat score go up in 20 points in one freaking day? I'm so triggered right now. I don't know what to do. I want to run. I want to run far. I want to get the fuck out of here

So when do you post a Snapchat to me? I know exactly why you were doing it. It's because you think it's going to keep our friendship and you know what you've lost it. We're no longer besties on Snapchat and that's because you have. I don't know tit and vagina pictures again? 

 Had a dream Jerry was cheating on me with some chick named "Ash" at the conference but it was date night and in the dream he admitted to getting a BJ from her.  Woke up in an emotional wreck but after talking it out with him, he finally understood that I didn't need for him to defend himself but to reassure me that we were solid.  Sometimes getting him on the emotional healing wheel can be a chore.

 This is the second day in a row that he has been talking to Christy from work. She no longer works at the same place but apparently still needs things from him. Sus... yes... I'm trying not to let it get to me. I have no evidence other than him smiling at his phone again.  We are on vacation.  Stop fucking working!