Being Jeanne...

It went well. Of course I cried. It's hard you ask for help. I am usually good in a crisis. 🤷🏻‍♀️ I have some homework to do before my next session. Also booked a more in depth session because we both agreed I need the additional support.  I should have done this months ago... Maybe things wouldn't have gotten out of "hand" 😈

Uninstalled some apps to check his sugars, sharing location, and sharing maps. I am obsessing over those things and that isn't healthy.  He wanted someone else, he doesn't get to see my life. 

Now every time we talk he rates the conversation. For example he will say. "It started off bad but it was good at the end" ...thanks Howard Cosepl for the play by play.  Talk about being critical... 

I was doing good and I got weak and I reached out. And I was basically told that I can't keep talking about the past. I don't want to talk about the past anymore. I want to talk about the future. But when you don't talk to me at all, all I can think about is the past. And you said you will talk to me tomorrow but you said that earlier to me this week and then I didn't hear from you until 2 days later. So we'll see... 

I can't believe it's been days without any contact. How do you do that to a person that you say you love? Yes, I could reach out but why?.... It's obvious he doesn't want to talk to me. I'm in shock... What the actual fuck?

 I am not a priority in his life.  I am second to Jessica or the countless others he has going on.  So Jessica, stake your claim.  I will not fight you, but I will get what I need to continue a life that he and I built, and he decided to chuck aside for virtual passion. Nutmeg and I are becoming close.  It's wonderful.  I'm sure it's out of necessity for her, but again....not a priority in his new life.  It's fine.  I'm good.  I'm working on myself.  I'm a good person who did not break marriage vows, lie, or do things on the internet.  Hope there is no turnabout there and his professional reputation isn't damaged. 

I'm sitting here, in my living room, in the dark.... crying... I refuse to seek comfort in strangers because that seems cowardly to me. Fucking fix what's broken or leave it so it can heal itself. I NOW feel like I'm being kept a prisoner.  Anger... I don't like this feeling at all. 😭

I'm done initiating contact. It's becoming more and more obvious it's over. It sucks totally. I mentioned that it had always been me initiating contact since last Thursday... And he did make contact to make sure we were still meeting last night, but that's it.  I hope I'm never that selfish towards anyone. 

Jerry came over so we could discuss finances and the cost of him moving to an apartment. I told him I wasn't happy with that chunk cutting into our finances. That it didn't leave much for continuing the life we used to have. So I proposed we split the house in half. He said he would have to think about it and if so we would have to discuss logistics. Of course we will.  Two "houses" under one roof will take rules and limitations.  We also discussed a few things about all of what has  happened/is happening.  I have an appointment next Tuesday that I think will help me. I need to get my head straight before I can consider any future relationships.  Oh... And I have a brunch date with a girlfriend on Sunday. I'm super excited to rekindle that friendship. That's something that's been missing for a while. 

Trying to get my head straight as my financial situation, I feel is about to drastically change. I know the spending was getting out of control and we were both feeding dopamine kicker with things. But that has to stop. Especially now that we will have to cover two households.  Have I mentioned how much this sucks?  I spent part of the day trying to think of all the accounts that we have. I haven't gotten balances and payments and all of that because honestly I need a break from dealing with this shit and just chill and watch some TV. So that's what I'm doing tonight. Fuck this shit, I'm taking some time to chill. 

A normal question for a Monday. Mine was probably the worst weekend of my life. And I don't have the one person who would comfort me in my life now. It fucking sucks.  I have only teared up once today so far. I'm trying to compartmentalize it so I can function.  I hope the visit with Erica will cheer up Nutmeg. 😞 It's looking like eggs for dinner tonight. I don't really feel like fish again and I need to look in the fridge and inventory it all.

 Asked him to fight, even offered rules. Denied.  "We're too good at being angry at each other..."  I just want it all out there.  Expose the wounds, clean them up and move on.  Now they just get to fester, and we'll keep them covered, never knowing if they are rotting and becoming infected.  Am I weird that I want to fight this out? Oh..and to top this all off, Nutmeg is crying because she misses him.  So I have that....

 I had to watch the Jaguars game alone.  This is something we did since I moved to Florida in 1995.   I was here for the day one game....and other than the time he took his work wife to the game we had gone to all of them together.  ...and we usually start out watching them on TV together.  Sometimes if he gets loud I go to the other room.  But to have him gone...is heartbreaking. Here is the other thing...I think he is probably happy right now.  Not that the Jaguars lost but that he is free some what he said was a prison.   Years...he said years of not being happy.  ..and months that his activities have been going on.  I'm floored.  Was I that blind?   We both admitted that we didn't communicate well.  Hard when you can feel that they would rather be on the phone or in the other room.   Years..I'm really heartbroken over that.      years.... 😭💔

Don't know if it will ever be the same. Jerry has agreed to leave. Some shocking revelations came out during our talk this morning. Right now I don't see a way forward without some huge trust concessions. I don't even know what that would be.... Phone checks? Therapy? 🤷🏻‍♀️

Went to a hotel for a couple of nights.  Need to figure out what's next. This sucks!!!  What sucks more is that he has resigned to it and hasn't reached out at all.  Guess I already know what's next.

 How long will it be before I get an unsolicited hug? How long will it be before we can sit happily again in silence with no phone distractions? How long will it be before you like me again? How long before I don't cry every day? How long before it's noticed that I'm hurting? How long...

I'm just going to stop trying. I shouldn't be the only one who wants this relationship to work. 

... when you sit in your car for a half an hour because you don't want to go into the house because it's not a happy place anymore? I miss my best friend. I honestly don't know what I did. When did I become not enough?

The perfect quote right now.  He is sick....if course he is. We have the day off together but he doesn't really want to spend any time with me anyways. We did go to the store but he was quiet. He barely talks to me. 

Everyone needs to hear, "Hey, You're looking good!" I would kill for an unsolicited, "You look cute!" It's been far too long since that's happened and it's starting to wear on me. I'm too critical okay I'm working on that but I don't need to be invisible... I understand that I was very very overweight but 64 lb is a lot of fuckng weight to lose and for me to get nothing...hurts. 

He used to call me when he was going to dinner for a work function. Now all I'm getting is radio silence...and it fucking sucks! 

Things are...better. We are coexisting and both working on being nicer to each other. 

I shouldn't have spoken my fears aloud, it made things worse. I've been home alone for six hours and it's been agony.... 

Thought things were better but the trust is obviously gone.... I don't know what to do... 

I laid in bed until 8:30! I made eggs with toast. I love toast 🍳🍞 I'm still being limited. Not sure how I feel about it. Actually, I know how I feel but I'm trying to not let it get to me.  Worth... Still working on that. Don't feel like I'm a priority. 🤷🏻‍♀️ That's a me problem? Where is my share? 

When you need a reminder, read this:  6 Ways to Strengthen Your Relationships in 2023