Being Jeanne...

I like experimenting.. but I feel like it's too much lately. It's exhausting. I need a break. 

I don't know why I expect people to treat me how I treat them. You would think I would learn. I'm not tagging you in shit anymore. You know how I feel about that and weve has the conversations. I shouldn't have to remind youm it's obviously not important to you so it's not going to be important to me to be inclusive. 

Yeah so he's all about his phone again. He can switch screens so fast!! Phub much? 

Was my first night in the house after asking Jerry to leave. It sucked. I'm still sad about it all. Things have gotten better. Still not trusting things. Need to not react to my emotions. 

I was in a hotel room alone. He didn't even bother to reach out. It still hurts! 

I'm really getting tired of having to repeat myself over and over I don't know if he can't hear me or if he's just fucking ignoring me but it's getting old and I'm getting frustrated and I can't say anything because it'll probably be too critical and a will trigger him but right now I'm fucking triggered!! 

Today is the last day of my winter break for the 23-24 school year. It's been a good break.  Jerry and I have done some growing over the break. We're still not where I would love for us to be, but we're getting closer and he's hopeful that it's going to be even better than before, but I don't see that. I guess I want to see that he trusts me and I don't feel that he does. I know that I don't entirely trust him and that's not good but it's getting better.  Today I'm spending the day watching what I call "Jeanne shows." I hope to just have an absolute chill day. 

 I know I'm hard of hearing.  That's why I look at people when I want responses.  So when you tell me you answered me and I was looking at you, it wasn't out loud, AND then you get defensive.   Yeah.....

Snapchat had a 2023 recap and I'm watching it and all I could think about was that I was only on Snapchat because he was and was trying to compete with people who could never be as interesting as me. Also I'm sure my snaps were far to wholesome for his liking at that time. .. and probably still are... 🥺 ...  So rewatching all those snaps made me super depressed. I need to remember never to give into chasing after someone who doesn't want me.... especially on social media.

His snap score increases.... Why does that bother me so much?

I'm a fucking idiot. I get all dressed up for date night and he thinks it's next week. And he didn't even notice how cute / pretty I tried to make myself. "I was processing..." WTF does that mean?!? 

 I think he's cheating again. I don't have any proof.  Nor do I want to find any...it's that gut feeling that he is keeping his life hidden from me that led to the last time.  I'm really trying to squelch that feeling. It's hard, though.  Especially when things seem "meh."  Tonight it a date night.  I don't even want to go..because he isn't going to talk, and I feel like I'm the one initiating conversations. *sigh* it shouldn't be this hard. 

 I'm really trying to make sure I don't sabotage my marriage.  It's so easy when you think your partner is cheating on you all the time, though.  I don't have any proof.  Just gut feelings and overthinking.  He says he isn't talking to people like before, but I get messages from strangers saying he is...who do I believe?  I know....it should be him. One week left of break.  I'm going to be a vegetable. 

I see we are back on that kick. Why do I even hope....? 😢