Being Jeanne...

Partners, if you're significant other is expressing themselves, please do not say " oh here we go again." These words were said to me last night and they made me feel insignificant and worthless.  No one should feel like that ever, especially when you're discussing things with the person you think loves you the most... 

Just got this from an email about the 5 Love Languages. My #1 is Words of Affirmation.  "People are typically at their best when they are dating. If you’re dating someone who knows your love language but refuses to speak it, it should indicate to you that your partner is selfish. In this case, her boyfriend was into himself and not into loving her. If that’s what dating him is like, imagine what being married to him would be like." To be fair I didn't know about this for the first 26 years of marriage so it's it fair to hold him responsible? Probably... I'm also tired of all of this... 

Next week I'll be traveling to Charleston, SC.  I've never been and am looking forward to staying downtown among all the old buildings.  One of the excursions I'll be doing is the tour of Fort Sumpter.  That is where the Civil War started.  Treason is not my cup of tea, but visiting the places where history happened is fun.  You have to take a Ferry to the island, and honestly, I'm looking forward to that part the most.  So what else is there to do in Charleston?  Will there be big Independence Day celebrations?  I've heard there is some excellent food to try.  The city market, the Rainbow Row, walking along the "Battery," as well as a few plantations that might be worth looking into.  Some of those house tours can get pretty...meh...

 🌾 Trying out Gluten Cutter for the first time! 🌾 Being gluten-free for years to manage my Hashimoto's Thyroiditis, finding the perfect pizza crust has been a challenge. Cauliflower crusts just don't hit the spot like the real deal. 🍕😔 But hey, times are changing, and gluten-free products have come a long way! Recently, I came across Gluten Cutter at CVS and Walgreens, and I couldn't help but wonder if it really lives up to its claims. So, I decided to put it to the test yesterday! I took two Gluten Cutter pills, ordered a mouthwatering Papa John's pizza, and dug in. 🍽️ To my surprise, no nasty side effects whatsoever! No urgent trips to the bathroom or agonizing stomach cramps. 😱🙌 Does this mean I'm throwing caution to the wind and indulging in gluten without worry? Of course not! But it does mean I have a handy solution for those occasional emergencies, special events, potlucks, or any spontaneous cravings life throws my way. Now I can enjoy the taste of gl...

Why are my Spidey-senses going off? SHUT UP!!  When will I stop feeling like this?

*sigh* double my score... What does that mean? 

On your phone... Playing .. thanks for that

 I'm trying to quiet my mind.  It is trying to go down rabbit holes that won't do anyone any good.   I was talking to someone about how my karma points must be racking up there....it's funny how that works...

Occasionally I'm going to be posting some of the positive things that are happening because they do need to be noted as well as any downers I'm having.  Jerry picked up some coffee creamer for me yesterday at the store. And it was the right kind! I didn't need it but I really appreciate that he thought I might. ☺️

 I decided today would be my laundry day.  I just folded the sheets and towels that I did this weekend.  Have my clothes in the dryer and the sheets that got changed in the washer.  Actually, it isn't that bad doing laundry.  When it's done, I feel like I accomplished something, and I didn't just waste the day away. 

 Another Monday... I'm trying to get things in order.  I honestly don't know what that means.  I mean, I don't work in the summer.  That might be a bad thing, though.  I am a couch potato.  I got a terrible sunburn in Orlando.  I thought it should be better by now, but it's still very red.  I am slathering on the Aloe to try to keep it calm.  My nose is starting to feel very scaley.  I tried to stay in the shade as much as possible, but this was bound to happen after five hours by the pool. I'm swimsuit shopping because the three I bought at the beginning of the year are all too big now.  Good problem to have, but it's so annoying.  I used my new Therapy Notebook finally.  I love it.  I can't wait to journal more there. Not like I don't put myself out there on here. I love that I'm so unknown that I can pretty much say anything I want on here, and no one is offended because no one reads this.  

I'm backsliding. I am sitting here in tears because I feel like the one person I want to be my best friend is failing me in every aspect of being my friend. You don't call your wife for a whole fucking week. You have 5 minutes every other day, even if you're shitting that you could have called me, but no, you didn't. The only time we talked on the phone was when I talked to you, and I made the phone call because you said you had a free moment. I get that you were really busy, and I get that's why you didn't want me there but FUCK!

I came to Orlando to meet with a friend that I haven't ever met before. We were both glass explorers and maintain a friendship for 10 years online. It was great to finally meet her. So why am I blogging at 1239 at night? Because I'm trying to avoid negative narratives to enter my mind and focus on the wonderful day I had today. I slept in. I spent 5 hours at the pool. Yes I did get sunburned but that's okay. I then went to dinner with another friend and this friend and it was wonderful. Then we came back to the villa and chatted for another three plus hours. It was such a good day and I don't want to let Debbie Downer, Negative Nelly, or any crazy wild stories to fill my mind and make me feel bad about my life. It's hard though. I think sometimes I want too much. I guess the problem is that I used to have it and now that I don't, I miss it.... 

I hate when you have to go to the bathroom before your alarm clock goes off. Do you go back to bed? Do you stay up? I don't really know. Oh I truly know is that I'm annoyed but I had to go to the bathroom more than 2 hours before my alarm clock is supposed to go off.  I'm going to Orlando today to meet my Google glass friend. I'm super excited! It's a solo trip so I will make sure that I'm safe but I'm very excited. 

 Just booked a room to go and meet an online friend for the first time IRL! Google Glass was such a huge thing, and I met so many wonderful people online and a few in real life.  It has taken a while, but I'm finally going to meet my online friend Steph.  I can't wait! I set myself up in a lovely little one-bedroom suite and plan to utilize the pools at the resort as well.  Things that aren't comfortable for me are things I need to be doing more of.  Get out of this shell and live!

I think I need to start focusing more on the positive. Because honestly, I am blessed. I have a lot to be grateful for...even in my marriage.  Yes, it can be rough. Yes, there will be bad days. Yes, I will survive it. So why not try to be more hopeful, positive, and loving to myself in every day life.  My therapy/anxiety book arrives soon, that will help me too. 

So I have a tendency to catastrophize and think my feelings are fact. Which I'm working on. When I actually calmed the fuck down and talked about things with him it made more sense. I hate that about myself.   He still insists that I'm worth all of this and he wants me. So I need to stop being a douche and looking for trouble.  Fuck me... I suck. But it's okay because I'm a work in progress. 

 I'm stuck.  I love him.  I think he loves me.   I'm not going to be a backup plan.  I will never accept his backup plan to be part of our life.  He told me he was done with her, which was a lie.  He knew exactly what I needed to move forward in this relationship and just lied to get what he wanted.  And it caught up to him...AGAIN! I don't even think he knows that I'm hurt.  He knows I'm not happy, but he is clueless as to why this bothers me.   I am not:  second a loser convenience You can have your little 8-month affair, but I won't be part of it.  We are done.  I can be your friend but can't be your wife in this scenario.  You should realize that we are done.  You fucked it up!  You got greedy. From now on, I will live for myself.  I will put MY needs above our needs.  Because that's what you have taught me.  I can be just as selfish, but I will wait until our divorce to pursue w...

I truly hate it when my intuition is spot fucking on because of course he's talking to Jessica still ( for 8 months) I can't believe I fall for his fucking charm. I deserve so much better. 

I never really thought I was this person that was filled with anxiety. Turns out I am ...  Working on it. 

When you sit in parking lots instead of coming home it just is so fucking shady. Why not just fucking leave me? Why are you this way? If you need time away from me let me know.. instead you do the shady shit and of course I think you're having an affair what you probably are. 

Tried the bike again. Was better but am still too fat. I think I need to move the seat back. We don't have the right tools for dong that right  now in the house. Going to order them. I need to be out biking when Jerry fucking leaves for conference. UGH!  I wish I could let that go. I haven't brought nit up to him though. Fucking disappointed 😞

So my pan b was to bike the heck while Jerry was at conference, which I wasn't invited to go. Very  disappointed.   I don't think he really knows how much it hurts me. So my plan was to bike in the new ebikesm turns out I'm too fat. Sure I lost 80 pounds but I can't peddle because of my big fat tummy. 😭 So now I have to lose more weight to do fun things without Jerry because she doesn't want to include me. FUCK !!!