Being Jeanne...

I need to print out those cbt forms. The nagging narratives are plaguing me. I mean there are just things that aren't adding up. I mean for some else, but not for me. Where do I keep chasing something that isn't chasing me. 

So in a roundabout way he basically told me I wasn't going to conference with him which is fine I guess because he can just fucking have a great fucking time with his fucking work friends and I hope he..... Argh!!! Whatever it's obvious again as I sleep in my bed alone for another fucking night! We talked about it not being two weeks before he came into the bed but it's probably going to be another fucking month. I'm sure that'll be by fucking fault too

I have to say my fears about the weekend were exaggerated. We have been having a wonderful time. I need to quiet my fears about next week going forward and not spoil the progress we have made. I need to talk to my therapist about that in Tuesday! 

Great talk with Jerry. I am understanding more why he is moving so slow. I do see his point. I need to quiet the narratives but it's hard to ignore those gut feelings.  Questions really trigger him. Stop being curious, I guess. 🤷🏻‍♀️ Yes, he is censoring what photos he is sharing. I still don't understand that. But apparently it's for my own good. So I don't ask questions... That's BS IMO.   I don't know if I can be who he wants me to be. I have nothing to hide. Nothing ! 

I hate that i just can't trust things.  But it's always HIM that these weird things happen with....I mention them and get like blown off. 

 I'm feeling pretty good today.   Home life is improving.   Work-life is fun right now because we have a Memorial Day Ceremony, and I love interpreting this event.  

So I finally just asked about Snapchat and I'm happy that my narratives and reality were not the same. I'm also hopeful because Jerry was so willing, open, and transparent. I don't think he realizes how big that was for me. I feel relieved. Those demons in my head can be loud and I need to keep working on silencing them. 

    I don't know what to tell you.  I know you are struggling with this situation, and in your heart, you just want comfort and happiness.  What would honestly give you that?  Him moving back into the bedroom but still increasing his Snapchat score? You living alone?  You divorced?  He is saying all the right things but he did that in December and January and your gut lead you to the truth.         The sexual intimacy has dropped way off.  He is kind and helpful but he was even at our worst.  I know he cares for me, just not in love with me. Hell, am I in love with him?  I thought I was but love isn't untrusting is it?  

I approached him about my intuition.  He says nothing is going on.  I guess I have to trust that he's just a fucking flirt and that they aren't anything.  But they are everything...because they weren't to me .  They were meant for someone else .  It cuts deep!  Last time my intuition was spot on.  How long do I wait this time?  Last time it was 4 months.  I can't do that to myself again.  I was miserable.  I'm starting to feel like I did in December :( 

Why the fuck pretend to be sharing your life when you censor what I see. Fuck you!!!!!  The fact that you took the time to carefully create a photo album for sharing is Shady Shit 101 and it makes me want to scream and cry. 

Today I decided to do my best impression of Linda Blair in the Exorcist at work today. I have no clue why I got sick. My co-worker ate a banana and put it in my trash can and I had to move the trash can because of the smell but by that time my stomach was already a little sour. I kept drinking my coffee thinking this might be a bad idea. I decided to switch to water and for the next 90 minutes I kind of walked around. Went to the restroom but sadly the time came when I excused myself from science class. Went to my office and... 🤮 It was bad. Needless to say, I went home. After a short nap I woke up feeling so much better but now all of my extremities hurt, but I think that's just from trying not to throw up. 

Intimacy has dropped off. Also spent the weekend alone in my bed. I'm sure the week will be the same. I think it's so odd that someone who says they want a marriage doesn't want to sleep with their spouse. I did sleep spectacularly last night though, so maybe it's for the best for me. 

I took my trombone and guitar to several shops and no one wanted them. Ended up donating to Goodwill. I really hope they end up in a nice home.  #Grieving #MusicianProblems

Naturally... I'm not asking. I'm not chasing. I'm done.  I did find it hilarious that the conversation to start all of the problems was intimacy. Hilarious and super sad! 

Over 10 snaps today.   Fucking just LEAVE me already why are you being so cruel??  

Tried talking and I'm not feeling like I'm getting any empathy or feedback so I'm feeling lonely and depressed. When will it all fucking stop?!? 

I just uninstalled it off my phone for the next few days to stop my harmful to myself behavior of watching Jerry's Snapchat score increase knowing that picture are what increases the score. So who is he sending pics to or receiving pics from.... I don't need to obsess.  Not chasing after someone chasing something else. 

Every night I go to bed alone I feel sadder and sadder and I just don't think he even really cares about that. But I'm not going to lower my fucking self. Do beg him to come sleep in the bed with me because that's not cool. He should just want to fucking sleep with me!!!! 

So here is what I did today, if I am talking... And you just stop listening or mention something else.. I'm just going to quit talking. Why should I bother sharing my life with someone who is preoccupied with other things? I shouldn't ... And I won't bother myself I'm with it anymore. 

I'm not going to ask for anything anymore as far as the relationship. No more invites to sleep in our martial bed, no more dates, no more move your requests to move your stuff into to integrate the living space, no more spontaneous fun time requests. It's on you. I've done my part and I'm tired of doing it. It's becoming obvious that you enjoy the single life just be prepared when that's all you have.... 

Why can't a day just be about me and not about your snapchat girlfriends? 

I can't be gaslighted, you tell me that you open Snapchat and then you got distracted by something and didn't read my post. That's just a slap of my face. You were looking for something else on that app that I got in your way and I know it.  Why do I allow myself not to be the priority? What damage is causing me not to just fucking walk away? I would say it for this from anyone else.....  Sleeping alone again.... I knew it though. I knew that he wasn't, isn't ready. He doesn't want to be married. 

So I asked Jerry to stay in the bed with me last night and he stayed over. I don't know if it's going to be a regular thing. When I talked about integrating our lives there was some weird facial things going on and silence so I don't know. July. The Snapchat score keeps climbing which of course makes me feel like crap. I don't have the nerve to ask him about it. We'll see... 

So I'm feeling myself. I told myself I wasn't going to check Snapchat because I didn't want to see his score going up at a rapid rate and unfortunately I didn't keep to my promise because I have friends on Snapchat and I shouldn't avoid it but sure enough fucking 12 points. I know this. He's not sharing 12 things with me yesterday. In fact he's not sharing crap with me and I'm over and I'm tired of it. And if he doesn't want to be with me just fucking let me go and let me know. 

Fucking roommate status... I hate this! 

Shared life. That's the goal right? That's what I really want. Most of all. I don't think that's what he wants it all. I think he wants to have a companion and a sometimes fuck partner, but I don't think he wants to share all of his little diddles with me which makes me sad. 

This is what I feel like I'm living:  Cause you're hot then you're cold You're yes then you're no You're in then you're out You're up then you're down You're wrong when it's right It's black and it's white We fight, we break up We kiss, we make up (You) You don't really want to stay, no (You) But you don't really want to go

Wonder if he figured it out and took pictures. ⭕🍆🤳

It's a curse having to notice all the little details about things in life. For example, I prefer cherry 7 up. 🤷🏻‍♀️ I know I should be grateful that he even thought about buying me soda and that's why I'm not going to mention it. I will simply buy cherry 7Up when I can buy it. 

They are fewer and far between now that I can walk fairly normal. Things still aren't normal. The clock is ticking loud and I'm trying to quiet that so I don't bolt. A huge part of me just wants to put a flamethrower to it all so it will just be over. Not that I want it over, just want something NOW. *sigh* I've never been any good at waiting. 

The bedroom is slowly getting less cluttered. I love it! Took two huge bags of clothes to Goodwill that I won't wear anymore. Feels good to reduce my clothing footprint. Now if I could just get a closet.... Not much else is going on. Still sleeping alone. Still "handling" things. 😉

The pile of stuff that I would see when I rolled over in bed is gone! It's amazing how much better I feel after it's gone. Now it's my turn to continue to declutter the bedroom. 

So after getting some encouragement from my therapist, I dove into some part questions with Jerry. A lot of good came out of it and a lot of clarity. I told him that I wanted to start moving forward again as I feel like we are settling, get to the limbo and that I'm not very patient. There was a little bit of pushback but that's to be expected. But if that continues got to have to keep pushing. The only thing I didn't have the courage to do tonight was to talk about our financial transparency. I still want to know what happened to that fucking crypto account.  

 I have therapy tonight, and I'm looking forward to it. I need to discuss the things I posted about last night.  Is my marriage holding me back?  What do I want the marriage to look like?  The last one is more probably a couples therapy question.   I think we really need to do that.  Too much is left to get figured out, which isn't working for me. 

Those are the things that are holding me back right now. I never knew I was feeling abandoned but I guess that makes kind of sense and it's because I can't control it which I know I have control issues. So there's that problem and then I was reminded that if I wasn't in a marriage would I allow myself to live like this? And the answer was no. So there's something about that that is holding me back or slowing the process or something? If I wasn't married would I just move on or because I made a commitment to a marriage? Is that holding me back? These are the kind of questions that I wish that I could talk to him about but I don't ever see that happening and that right there might be the answer to it all. So yeah hands in your pocket. No hug. Good night. 

I'm beginning to not give a shit... I don't think that's a good thing. I don't think it's acceptance. And I don't think I'm living a fulfilling life. So how do I stop this? I tried talking and it worked a little bit. Again, I just am tired of working at this. I want to feel like somebody's whole world. Not if it's convenient for me. Relationship. 4 months after 28ish years together doesn't seem like a long time. I know other couples who have been separated for far longer, but were they separated for good reasons? Or were they separated for the shit I'm going through? For example military families, I get that you're going off to do your duty and sometimes it's months or a year that you're separated and you don't really know what's going on in that person's life and honestly I don't know how people do that? Especially when we are so connected and so together and so involved and now it's like... Shady shit! Not be...