Being Jeanne...

The fact you still tilt your phone away from me, shows me you have shit to hide. 

..and sad that I get more likes from them. 

Totally missed my cue,  toy again! Why is my libedo so active? 

Thank goodness for toys! 

 This article's timing is uncanny . 

When you start tilting your phone away from me so you can take your little selfies to send to somebody on Snapchat. It's time for me to go to bed. Hello December!... 

Summer break means kicking back but it also means I was skipping breakfast which I know isn't healthy for me. I have been getting better although  my recent time for breakfast is around 10 or 11am so then I'd skip lunch. This morning I forced myself to have breakfast before turning on the news or playing video games. 

It's totally obvious that you don't want to share your life with me because if you did, you would be figuring out a time when you and me could celebrate your sister's birthday. But I get it. You don't want to be a couple. You want to be you and you want to get fucked by me and that's all you want. Even if this isn't true, this is exactly how I'm feeling right now. And you are giving me no other indication that what I'm saying is false. 

When you text and get nothing despite the fact you know they have looked at their phone.... 

.. and suddenly I feel like it's December again. 😭

Horrible... I'm really having to stop myself from lashing out. It's coming from a place of insecurity. I'm not proud of it. I don't know really how to deal with it all. I guess this might be something I need to ask my therapist about.   I should just remove myself from the situations that make me want to say awful things. 😢

So you are constantly chatting online with other people. Yes, they message you but when you respond to them, ... I'm there .... Fucking hate that it bothers me. You don't give a fuck though either. 

 I don't know if it's a lack of emotional intelligence or just the inability to express things.  Either way, it's not anything I can do.  The lack of knowing what might hurt me confuses me but again. Nothing I can do about that.  Being oblivious is not something I can change. I don't dare bring things about because it will come across as being "critical." WTF.  This is why I've given up caring.   Getting off. Having a laugh or two. This is what it is.  No understand of my feelings kind of sucks.  ....no sympathy.

Just had a conversation where I said "I still feel less than" and he didn't say anything 😭😭😭😭

So I decided to take a day and just go out. No agenda... No plans... Just out away from the house. Tomorrow. It'll be 6 months since I left... Well we are back together. It's never going to be the same and that's fine. It could be better. We'll see. I do know that I'm not a fan of the house anymore. I want a freaking condo with a freaking pool because I want to be that person. I want to go to the pool whenever the fuck I want to. Yeah sure we can go to the ocean but from a previous post you know that I like ended up with a crotch full of sand because the surf decided to topple me over and let me bob like a cork in the ocean. That was not fun. A pool I'm not going to get knocked over. I might get in October by some little Brady kids, but that's different. There's consequences for that. Who am I going to yell at if the surf knocks me over nobody? And I can go to the pool by myself and know that I'm safe. Going to the ocean by myself. Probably isn't...

Do you know that you almost always upset me the day before therapy? It's like you have an internal clock that says, "It's time to do shady shit!" and then I have therapy after feeling fairly well about how things are going. Or is it that you really just don't give a fuck about me and are just using me to get over your issues so you can move on?  See..I know I'm over thinking this, and that's what is getting me into trouble and down this rabbit hole of doom.  If I only had the reassurances from you, I wouldn't be on this path.....

I threw up last night. Don't know if it was the ocean water that I gulped when got knocked over in the surf or that something in the BBQ right after with me... I feel better now. Finally got everything going on the bedroom. Confidence is key.  I'm doing well with trying to ignore all those tendencies to snoop. It's hard. But I know that it isn't doing me or or relationship any good. So I have been distracting myself with Zelda on my switch. 🎮 No idea what to have for dinner tonight. Something blandish for the tummy. 

If you can't have emotional connections you might as well get some thing.... I still feel like I'm not a priority in his emotional life but I am getting someone out of it. And I'll take it. I can get the other stuff in other places but that is a marriage only thing. That's my line! 

Well, if you can't have a emotional intimacy relationship, maybe you could have a physical intimacy relationship, right? Seriously, I might as well get something out of this whole thing.... I can make connections elsewhere I guess. Maybe find somebody who will ask me how my day is? What's new in my life? How am I feeling? You know things that people who love each other normally ask each other. But you know it's all one sided so I might as well at least get off... 

These are the kind of conversations that should be happening but are very one sided. It makes me wonder why I bother... 

diagnostic medical sonographer (DMS): Ms. Sutton, did anyone come talk to you about your mammogram today?  Me: (eyes widen) no...  DMS: oh sorry about that. You aren't having a mammogram today. We're just going to do an ultrasound to check on the stability of the cysts. We usually come in later than the radiology technicians so I apologize for that... Me: so no squish.... DMS: not today (gets me settled and starts the ultrasound, takes a new snapshots) Okay, I'm going to go show these to the doctor.  Me: ... Ok.... DMS: Everything looks stable and the complicated cyst seems to have disappeared so we will see you in December for your annual Mammogram and another ultrasound.  **It all went quickly so no time to catastrophize the experience ☺️

What do I do this to myself? If I didn't look at his score, I can be flustered that he doesn't share things with me. And then I wouldn't feel like I need to run away and cry?   I hate that I am not out growing this need for reassurance. 

Emotions are not facts. You can't read minds. You are worthy of great love. Stop overthinking. 

Missed opportunities, but they wouldn't understand.  Hell, I'm not even 2nd.  Fourth..... 

No longer his #1. In bed alone at 3:15....    6 months soon... Worried Never a good feeling knowing you aren't their #1

Talk about over reacting. Told him to throw away something this morning, now I'm treating him like he is 5 years old. Okay... I can see that.  Then while playing with features I got a notification and mentioned it and he snapped. Chill out, I was commenting that I got the notification. I wasn't questioning his actions. I must have been so toxic that is how he feels all the time. Yet I wouldn't know because that's not something we talk about.  Sorry, not sorry

More than half the year is gone. 2023 I had not been a good one. It's improving but it's a struggle. Learning thibgs about myself that I don 't like and are working on the change so that I can live my best life.