Three years....

Three years ago today, my left kidney was removed because I had a cancerous tumor inside. I didn't the next week in the hospital recovering and told myself I was going to keep being healthy. 

That hasn't happened. Yes, I'm cancer free per my last scan in 2020. But...I'm huge. Morbidly obese. The most I've ever weighed and I feel it. Every day...it's a struggle to move, to walk to stand. I hate it!! I put myself back on LoseIt to keep track of my calories because I know pandemic eating was a little crazy. Despite tracking every bite and I don't think I miss putting things down I'm not losing. My TSH was off but it's been eight weeks since we upped my dosage and I should be feeling better...but I'm not. 

I know I need to move around more. But I'm afraid of falling, failing ..of it all. 

I'm sad....

Day 150 &151

150: Feeling like a truck hit me. I'm so out of shape. Grateful to be alive.

151: Theee years since my kidney was removed due to cancer. Feeling super grateful that my cancer was removed and I'm alive. I need to fix this body. 

Day 149

 Last night we went to Alhambra Dinner Theatre and saw The Music Man.  The food was good, the show was good.  We were unmasked because we are vaccinated. I was anxious...very...

Lots of going up and downstairs while we were there and today I'm sore, tired, and just a little out of sorts.

I'm grateful that we went though.  It was good to get out of the house and do something normal.  I need to get some stamina back...I'm too sloth-like :(

Day 147 & 148

 147: Grateful to have the whole house to myself for a couple of hours.  Although I was still working.  Meh...

148: I'm kinda in a pissed-off mood.  I am feeling stressed about not letting the veggies go bad before we cook them.   I know that I need to cook more.  Did  I mention I hate being a housewife?  I need to get over this princess attitude and just be a fucking adult!  UGH!!

So what am I grateful for today?  Umm....I guess that testing is over and we have a 3 day weekend.   And after that, I only have 4 more work days until Summer Vacation!!!!!

Day 146

 I woke up at 3am this morning.  I tried to go back to sleep, but the brain zoomies were too strong.  I finally put on my soap (Y&R) and snoozed until around 7.  It's going to be rough later, but right now, I'm feeling okay.  So what am I grateful for on this sleep-deprived day?  I'm grateful that I am working from home. Yes....again.  This has come up many times in my year of gratefulness, but it really is a blessing to not have to get in a car and deal with traffic and people.  Don't get me wrong, I miss my co-workers, and it's quite lonely on some days.  Only six more days, and then it's Summer Vacation! 

Day 145

Today I'm grateful for my Pair Eyewear glasses. I got 8 new toppers and they are fun!!

Day 143 & 144

 143: Grateful for building legos with my hubby.  Fun stuff.  And we only got frustrated once in the whole build.

144: Ugh..I thought I was caught up, but here I go posting 2 days in one post.  Today I'm grateful for having the means to take care of the house regularly.  Maid service is a luxury that we have, and I'm super grateful every week that they come. 

Day 140, 141, & 142

140: I know it's redundant but I'm grateful to work in a job that has 2 months off. 

141: Two weeks from today.. Summer vay-cay. I'm grateful for some yummy Bono's BBQ takeout. 

142: if you haven't watched the series Kim's Convenience you need to check it out. So funny and helps the blues. I'm grateful for the laughs. 

Day 138 & 139

138: I'm grateful for yummy food that I cooked. I took Coconut Aminos, salt, pepper, garlic powder and basted it on chicken leg quarters ( or as I call them. Stupid chicken) and baked it's SOOO yummy with fresh roasted green beans. 

139: Today I I told a teacher that I was done being as helpful as I was with the students because it's not my job. I'm an interpreter. I really feel like I have let the student down by being too much for them. So today I'm grateful for the lesson.

Day 137

I'm not happy right now. I'm angry, and I'm not sure why. I just want to tell at people. But I don't....I know better. I'm grateful that I'm in control. I'm thankful I haven't said or done anything that I would regret. I hope tomorrow is better. 

Day 134, 135, & 136

134: I'm grateful for naps at 3:35 PM 

135: I'm grateful for more sleep, apparently I'm super tired. 

136: Counting this one, there are only 3 Sundays left in the school year, super grateful for that!

Day 133

 Google photos started a new feature a few months back where they show you pictures from your past.  Four years ago today, I had a "Porch Pop-up" for my Lularoe business. I was cute and thinner, and I thought happy.  But I think it was that day that I figured out that it wasn't going to be for me.  I think I had a few sales, but nothing, like I thought, should have been happening.  Needless to say, I stuck it out for a few more months, trying to deny the fact that it wasn't fun and it was a whole lot of work. It wasn't until November of that year that I stopped selling. What I didn't know at the time was that the reason I was losing so much weight and loving my new body in these, what I thought were cute outfits, was that I had cancer.  Cancer was the reason for my weight loss.  So what am I thankful/grateful for on reflecting on this memory?  That I  took a chance.  I stepped out of my comfort zone to try something.  I didn't think I would fail as much as I did but I'm a one-job kind of woman. I don't know how people do all the side hustles.  

Now I'm the heaviest I've ever been and I feel like a failure for that.  I'm counting calories again.  I hate it., But it keeps me in check.  It's funny because that's what I was doing when I lost all that weight while having cancer. *shrug* Pray for me readers....I think I need it.

Day 131 & 132

131: I'm grateful for no one giving me crap for going to bed at 8pm. 

132: I'm grateful for the knowledge that summer vacation is less than a month away. 🌞

Day 128, 129 & 130

128: Grateful for vaccines and my confidence level. Went into two stores!

129: Grateful for Jerry.

130: Grateful for delivery services. Groceries are done. Amazon has enough food for Nutmeg for a couple of months.  (Oops 😳)

Day 127

 I'm grateful I have Jerry to talk to about "stuff".   It seems like everyone else has put me on the backburner.  Okay..maybe not but it's how I feel.

Day 124, 125, & 126 *sigh*

124: I'm grateful for yummy green beans from our local farms. 

125: I'm grateful for "permission" to finish a series without Jerry. The Expanse season 5 was good!

126: Grateful for my job and the ability to do some personal development. I learned how to sign Immune system, pathogens...also watched Atomic Hands on how the COVID vaccines work.

Day 123

I'm grateful for having fun at work. The cadets had an assignment to create a god or goddess so I joined the fun and did the assignment as well. Was a nice little distraction.. 

Day 122

Today was an odd day. Jerry has a low blood sugar incident. Like no other one. After he was back up to normal he was exhausted and napped most of the day. He did rude with me to CVS and Jersey Mike's to pick up RXs and lunch. I'm proud of myself, I went into the restaurant all alone to pick up our order. Not one but of anxiety. Okay, maybe after I did it... But still, I did it. I need to keep some things on hand for those emergency low sugar episodes, I'm grateful for my "take over, get him better" more. I haven't seen that side of me in awhile. I grateful he is okay now too. 

Day 120 & 121

120: I napped for 3 hours after work. Can you even call that a nap or is it just sleeping? I'm grateful that I can do that. 

121: I'm grateful for a partner who helps me do take, even when I don't want to do them. Today we roasted corn, carrots, and sweet potatoes. Veggies prep palooza!