Being Jeanne...

Jerry and I went to a wedding tonight. It was lovely. We had a really good talk last night and white I'm still untrusting, he understands.  We agreed that we need to talk about things in the moment so they don't festure. He told me that he has a work dinner on Thursday but put our date as the priority. That's huge! 

Comes in, doesn't say I look cute. Just tells me about the jacket he bought yesterday. See yesterdays post to see why I'm pissed about this... Not very date.... 

Why do you bother lying to me. I already know that you went shopping. So saying you just did emails is fucking bullshit. Also use your credit cards if you going to lie. It makes it MORE believable. Why must you LIE!!! 

Cute??  I think I am.... 🤷🏻‍♀️

I will not disrespect you. Because I know how much it hurts. 

If I say I don't want to do something and you start it anyway. That's the reason I'm pissed off. There is a reason and I don't always have to let you know. Please respect my wishes.  FUCK!!!!! 

Low blood sugar incident. Got it up and head to bed. Teasing about running around the block. Told him he could wait me for sex but not that. Asked if he was interested in sex and he said "do you think this is a good time to talk about that?" I said "noted" and am done.  How come he can ask a year ago and it's okay but now that I want to talk about it, it's a problem?  Snoring is outta control 🎧

Great day at Disney!! Weird settings that don't make sense in your car to hide your life.  Whatever dude. Yes, I called you dude! 

Today, I posted a picture of the two of us together. It's been a long time. I haven't done it because I don't trust things.  Later, life reminded me that maybe it was too soon.  .. and when did you start playing videos in a restaurant.  I think I expect too much. But aren't I worth it all?  HELL YES I am! 

Yes, they are beautiful flowers, but it's not the same.  So yay... happy anniversary...  ..alone...  I'm a mess right now....😞😔😞😔

Today is my 27th wedding anniversary, I'm alone. Jerry is in Canada at a conference. Didn't even ask me to go until I brought that up. This kind of sums up everything in my mind. Maybe I'm catastrophizing the whole situation. That is a possibility but when you reconcile after living apart for 4 months you would expect a little more on your first anniversary back together. Or maybe I'm just a dreamer. 😥 He did plan a trip to go down to Disney so there is that but it's not the same. It's not the same as being kissed on the day you were married 27 years ago.... 

 It's not much fun to hear about stories you've already told me about people who really don't like me.  And, also you have said that they have used you.  So maybe 27 years is just stupid.  Fucking stay in Canada for all I care. It really doesn't matter at this point.  Because I'm not your person.  Apparently making fun of losing your ring is.....FUCK YOU!!!!!

It seems like I'm spending more time alone. Even in my house when you are here. I get we need our space but it seems like you are pushing me away without letting me go. Does that make sense? You really don't want me around just fucking let me go... Then I wouldn't have to beg for sexy fun time. 🙁 And while I would be sad, if get over it. 

Or lack there of. Why am I suddenly paired with a person who does not  reply to me? It makes me feel like I'm a waste of space. I wonder how anyone could do that to someone. Isn't feedback important?  So freaking lonely talking to myself. 

Sometimes I just need him not to be near me because when he is, it doesn't seem authentic. Again. Let me go if you aren't interested.  It's funny that I get more words of affirmation at work than I do at home. That's just fucked up! 

So Jerry found his ring inside the frozen French fries bag. We had those April 27th for NFL Draft Night. Crazy... Things at work are off. I'm not 100% happy but at least I'm working at the school I want. I'm afraid I'm getting bored with it all.   Been having crazy dreams. No clue who some of the people are or where I'm at.... very vivid though.  Marriage is probably pretty normal at this time. Sure I'm still not feeling secure. I don't think I ever will be 🤷🏻‍♀️ I just wish he would share his life with me.