Being Jeanne...

Had a lovely dinner on Thursday with Jerry.  Friday was lazy.... Tonight we went to Congree and Penn for date night. It was okay.  Jerry's face is all broken out. Prolly not having SFT 😕 I feel like I have to beg for it. 

So you can talk on the phone to other people and you nice in your polite and your friendly. But are you like that way with your wife? Fuck No you're not! 

We are waiting to get off the boat. I ask, what do you want to talk about and he FUCKING ignores me. I want to be away from him he doesn't like me... why should I stay with this I hate itm he just doesn't seem to get it that I need more. I need connection and he's not giving it to me. 

Today was disappointing.  I just want to pack, go to bed, wake up and get off this elevator nightmare, bland buffet ship. 

We don't do the one thing I wanted to do today on the ship..... Buffet food sucks

I don't know if I could be a solo traveler. I don't do well. Just sitting here by myself. Although maybe if I were truly solo, I would be getting out there meeting people instead of sitting in the corner. I just feel very lonely lately. And I can't tell Jerry that because I know he's working and I guess I'm just not dynamic enough to pressure the other plus ones come hang out with me or they're waiting for their spouses before they come over... Either way, I'm sitting in a cabana by myself... 

When you step out so you can text or whatever .. RED FUCKING FLAG! 

So is capable of giving words of affirmation... Just not to me 😥😓

I wonder when we will have fun. The laughs are few are far between.... 

I'm with a group of people and have never felt more alone.  

Someone just came back to the cabin on a mood. I decided to vacate and get some coffee/lunch. Finally found the good creamer. 

This cruise is the worst fucking cruise I've ever been on and I feel so out of place and so not wanted and I just want to go home. And here I am sitting alone in the room by choice because I heard and he still went out and I get it. He's with his friends and that's why I didn't want to come. I knew that was going to be like this. I don't think we're good together anymore. I think he would be much happier without me. I wish he would just fucking let me go cuz I don't have the strength to do it. 

Why can't I just be happy? I think every little slight is the end. I know its not but in that moment...doom and gloom. 

We have lift off!! 🚀

Let's see if things really happen. The ball is in another's hand. I don't want to be disappointed... 

I had my 6-month mammogram appointment yesterday and everything is good and stable. I still have my little thingies but they haven't changed in size or shaped so everything is good. I had a lovely day off to myself yesterday. I watched a new show on Apple TV called the buccaneers and it's the perfect Jeannie show. Period piece, lots of great costumes, handsome men, young women trying to figure things out, love! And then I had some Jeannie time. Yes I'm talking about that. Because you need relief. So sometimes you just got to grab a toy and go. In fact, I may have another little session today. We'll see... 

What a weekend! I love my new furniture. It's so grownup. I actually have a dresser. All my clothes are stored and not visible.  Jerry was so helpful!  Last night I went to the Bored Teacher comedy show with Alyson and her friends. My face hurts from laughing so hard. Jerry drove me and picked me up so I wouldn't have to find parking. (Öööber) Really sweet of him.  I need to learn not to react when he doesn't answer me.  Communication.... Communication... Communication... Shouldn't be that hard IMO

Interesting day... Tonight we are preparing the bedroom for new furniture. I'm over it. I just want it over so I can fucking sleep and not think about the things.  🎶 Old timer rock n roll, the music just sooths the soul... 🎶 We don't do well with projects and again.... Makes me quest ion stuff but I'm trying to be positive.  Keep all your shit in the guest room. No.. that's totally normal from my perspective....