Being Jeanne...

Why do you have to do sketchy shit? Just makes me want to run away. Obviously you have things to hide. 

Today was a good day. We seemed to connect pretty much all day. Hopefully this means more normalcy.  Finally had dinner at Fogo de Chão Brazilian Steakhouse and it was so good! 

 So we are sitting in the living room.  I am on the far end of the couch because Nutmeg is a brat, and Jerry is in the recliner in the corner.  He has his phone, texting away and smiling.  Instantly I am transported to January.  That feeling sucks, so I go to bed and cry.  I get up to get water, and he has lost his ring.  I thought it was his amethyst, but it was his wedding band.  At first, I was like, "Karma dude," but I feel bad.  It sucks losing a ring.   Later he tells me he is talking to Cortney about clients in Canada... This morning, I had an emotional outpouring and asked him if he was happy he was home and why.  I think I still need to get an answer to why....I told him how I felt last night and that his behavior instantly transported me back to January.  He said to me, "I told you who I was talking to..." which I said, "Hours later.." and he apologized for making me feel that way.  I told him last night was...

So he got himself beer for draft night. Didn't even bother to ask if I wanted anything... Not even a thought. I don't even want to be in the same room with him right now. Not that it would matter. He doesn't fucking care about me. it's becoming more and more evident.  Feeling like an after thought. I'm worth so much better than this...  Gonna eat and go to bed. 

Coffee Mate Bliss Sweet Cream  For years now ... 

...have fallen away 100%. The word love hasn't been uttered in the house for days other than me telling my friends on the phone that I love them. I honestly think the marriage is over and this is just  slowly killing my spirit. Other than conversations you could have with a roommate and an occasional hug and kiss, this is just not what I want. I'm trying to be patient but it just makes me want more for myself. I can't imagine he is happy, but who knows... He never wants to talk about feelings. 

I have a cold. Wearing a mask at work so I don't get other people sick.  I just want to be home.  Tonight we are making salmon with Jerry's green beans and roasted red potatoes. Things are okay. Very boring and not like a couple trying to rekindle a relationship. I keep hunting about dates, and offer suggestions but honestly I don't think I should be making the moves. Woo the fuck out of me, dude!!!  I'm supposed to have an eye appointment tomorrow for a clinical burial but testing starts next Monday and we have testing training that is mandatory. Ugh... I want to be home drinking cold brew coffee and watching TV. 

Life isn't bad right now, it's just not what I was hoping for. I want a husband again. I don't want to roommate. I just feel like he doesn't want to be a couple like he's happy now that he's home and he's got his car charger and he's got his little cozy room. I need to stop harping about that because it's mean and cruel. It's just my way of hurting and it's not healthy and it makes me sad.... 

Today we switched cars. Tonight, Jerry made it a point, not once but several times to dog on my new care compared to his new car. WTAF!?!  #ThroatPunch

I don't know how he does it, but he can make me feel worthless without saying a word. I am defeated. 

So here we are, at Longhorn having dinner out together, and I'm fighting to keep the conversation going. I'm also fighting to plan out the weekend.  I am failing... 

Today we had a code red... And the principal announced it wasn't a drill. So for 20ish minutes today I had to wrestle with the idea that that could have potentially been it. Thankfully it was some student bringing an Airsoft Gun to school.  The fact that for those minutes, I thought to myself how am I going to survive....What can I hit a potential shooter with... Would my student be safe... Was I willing to die for these kids... I didn't want to die today. These aren't normal thoughts to have to process during a day at school.  Life is short, and we aren't promised anything. Live in, don't squander it. 

 I need to focus on myself again.  Everything else will work out one way or another.  I'm tired of worrying about the marriage.  I have brunch plans for the weekend, and I'm super excited about that.  Unfortunately, it's been far too long since I saw N & J.  I'm also looking forward to Memorial Day Weekend at Jekyll.  I haven't said anything to Jerry, although we share calendars again, so it's not like I'm hiding anything.  He never has looked at my calendar, so why should I expect him to now. 

 I'm so tired. I feel like I've hit a wall and don't know how to escape this uncertainty. My whole therapy session was a crying mess. I hate that. The past few have been so positive. How wonderful I am doing, and this time it was all about the shit I feel about my marriage.  My therapist wants me visual myself as a friend and try to "self-soothe" and be a friend to myself. Be kind to me. Give me positive affirmations. Looking back at the past year, I'm the only one doing that anyway. Ugh, now my throat hurts from crying :( 

Wow...they are spot on for me.  https://www.tiktok.com/t/ZTR374rsY/

It's freaking weird that once I tell Jerry what I want that those things start to happen. Why haven't I been doing this all along?  Today was a pretty good day. This week is going to be rough because he's very busy and doesn't really want to share how busy is so there's still some trepidation going on. Keep on keeping on. That's all I can do.  Tomorrow is therapy day and I'm looking forward to getting me back on track!  I'm freaking awesome! 

I want a partner who likes to be near me. That want a to cuddle me. That wants to make me laugh. That tells me when they are leaving the house. 

https://www.tiktok.com/t/ZTR34abJt/ The above TikTok is a great summary of how I view this whole experience. 

 Went to go make breakfast, kind of expecting to see Jerry. He had already left.  Not ONE word that he was leaving.  What the actual fuck!!  I don't want to live like that.   What a lack of respect. 

The tension is horrible and I do t know what to do. I just want to scream and I cry but I know that isn't helpful. And I'm guessing he can't handle talking.    Hell if I could just get him to respond to me that would be fucking amazing.  Just tried to have a conversation and he basically stomped off like I was wrong for feeling the way I do and that I said that our communication was back to like a month ago. You know what fuck you. Fuck you, fuck you!   

So this morning, Jerry came into the kitchen as I was cooking and talked about his new nightstands and he was sorry he didn't do mine. I didn't expect him to do those. He goes to leave and he puts his hand on the smaller. My back and I turn around and we go to kiss but it was like do I kiss you on the forehead? Do I kiss you on the cheek? Do I kiss you on the lips? It was just very awkward and I said that. I need him to hear that I am not comfortable with the way things are proceeding and if I feel awkwardness he needs to know I feel that awkwardness. 

I didn't think out could get worse than yesterday... Tonight was... Jerry went out with a friend, that's fine. I'm actually happy about that. Came home and the nightstand I ordered arrived. He started building them right away. No chit chat, no checking on my day... just doing things for him.  I feel...heck... Like I'm not even worth anything. No one should feel like that.  

 Don't chase after someone who is chasing something else.  Why don't I learn this lesson? The move back was convenient and not a step toward repairing the relationship.  We talked less yesterday and this morning than we have in weeks.  It's fine.  I will keep doing me and not let this get in my way.  Or that's what I need to keep telling myself.  I am worth having a fulfilling life. I am worth having fun. I am worth being loved. I am worth being chased after. I am worth it!!!

Jerry moved back while I was at work. I came home to him hooked up in his room. He came out, and offered to make a quick meal. I asked about his day. He never asked about me at all. I had leftovers so when I was putting those up and starting the dishes he went back to his room.  Maybe I'm too romantic for my own good. I think the first day back in the house together is an important moment. Guess not.... I hate that the first day back I am crying. I haven't cried in over a week.  

I just want to run away, be romanced, and be loved. Is that too much?

82 days ago I left Jerry. 2 days after that he left our house. We've been working on getting things back at tomorrow. He is moving back into the guest room. I don't know if it's going to work... I don't think he really loves me. He says he does, and he does these things but he just doesn't seem excited to be around me. I don't think he's attracted to me at all. 

My account is frozen.  What the heck?  I tried to move money from VyStar to SoFi and it was rejected due to an R16 ACH Code. Have no clue why this happened.  I'm not sure if this affects everything but that can't be good for my financial health. Jerry came over for dinner and Mandalorian.  What a fun episode!  I'm still feeling uneasy about Jerry and him moving back in.  He's been in the house too much for me lately.  I know....I just did type that. I guess I'm really enjoying my alone time and not having to worry about what I say or do in the house.   He talked slightly about next week, but I'm hoping it is...like...May. The car charger won't be ready yet so I don't know why he doesn't just stay where he is.  From the things he has said, it sounds like Melissa wants him to stay.    Maybe if I thought he really wanted to fix things I might feel different.  I just don't see it.

Okay so Jerry is starting to prepare the back bedroom for his move-in. The bed is coming tomorrow. The headboard came today. The only way I knew about that is because I walked into that back room and saw there. Did he tell me no so I call him said wow! Your headboard looks really great and all I heard was negative, negative, negative, negative negative. Well what the fuck dude if you're not happy with it if you fucked it up that's on you. I don't need your negative Nancy shit in this house. Argh! I don't know if I am ready for him being in my space. Already. Little weird things are happening. The carport camera mysteriously was unplugged when I came home today. Like what the actual fuck because it was on when the dudes were here looking for his plug-in for his electric Mustang. And even after they left it was still working. But mysteriously it was unplugged. I don't get it. I didn't see anyone over there but there's only one person that could have done that....