Being Jeanne...

I have been out of my house six times since March 16th.  Coincidently, that's my birthday. This COVID19 is really changing how I see the world.  You can see a lot of people pulling together to get PPEs to our essential workers.  Speaking of which, they need a pay raise.  A big one. Restaurants, grocery store employees, delivery people, distribution personnel, of course, our first responders and health care providers.  I could talk for hours about how many people need to be paid more. Personally, I am lucky that our school district has decided to do distance learning via Microsoft Teams.  It's been interesting but three weeks in and the students are asking for video conferences and are becoming more efficient in their navigating skills.  This is good, as it's preparing them for real-world application use.  Both Jerry and I are working from home.  We have had a few bumps in the "office" but have a schedule and follow it pretty much every day....

Whew!  My chest x-ray where unremarkable.  My kidney levels are stable. The doctor talked about possibly doing some genetic testing, but at this point, it isn't required.  Apparently, new research has shown clusters of genetic mutations for different kinds of cancer.  My parent's cancer and mine don't seem to be in a cluster group, but the research is still new, so, at this point in time, no testing is recommended. In six months, we will do another chest x-ray and a sonogram on my right kidney to make sure there isn't anything "going on" there. I'm glad I moved my appointment before spring break, so I can just relax next week.

Today I went to get my chest x-ray to see if my kidney cancer metastasized and traveled to my lungs. Whee? No. I have been pretty glum about this all weekend. Crying. Yelling, “I’m afraid” and just generally mopey. I know, rationally, I should be fine. But cancer if fucking scary. It looms like a monster under the bed, ready to grab your ankle as you wake up. Ok...maybe not that scary, but it does loom. Today’s appointment was just annoying. President’s Day is one of those Mondays that I’m off from school. I tried to get a different time, but I was too lazy to call earlier. Maybe it was because I didn’t really want to have my x-ray. So...appointment set from 8:20am. I get there around 8:05, so I can do all the check-in paperwork, etc. 8:20 comes and goes... 8:40 comes and goes... Finally, at 8:58, I asked how much longer, and they checked with the tech and told me a few minutes longer. Another 15 minutes and finally they take me back.  The room is freezing. Tha...

I love Christmas lights.  Twinkly little points of light make me happy.  I was excited to plug in the outside lights this year.  Until they didn't work.  My heart sank.  We have rechargeable, and I thought it was charging, but it wasn't.  I tried charging them again, but to no avail, the lights didn't come one.  Jerry finally got involved and finagled the charging battery, and after a night of charging, I had my twinkle lights on the porch.  Yay, it was Christmasy!  I didn't put up Christmas decorations in the house until the 20th of the month.  I thought about it doing it earlier but just felt "meh" about it, so I put it off.  The day I decided to put up some lights across our mantle was sad.  My lighted garland was dead.  I wiggled each light, couldn't see if any were burned out to change so that the twinkly strand of lights would work again.  Jerry came up that evening to "emotional Jeanne" and tried his best ...

I'm feeling much better.  Just a cold now, but that is going to be all the time at school.  It seems this year the kids don't know how to "vampire cough" or that they should rub the snot onto their hands and then touch things.  This is why I don't share pencils or pens with students.  I secretly don't like giving them to other adults either.  I wouldn't say I'm a germ-a-phobic, but you can never be too careful. Jerry and I went and saw Jekyll & Hyde  at the Alhambra Dinner Theatre.  I love that we have season tickets.  Later this month, our FSCJ season starts.  We will see Wicked the Tuesday before Thanksgiving.  I'm excited. Speaking of holidays.  We didn't hand out candy this year for Halloween.  I think maybe next year we will.  We'll see...  We have been invited to Jerry's sister's house for Thanksgiving.  We are going to take some gluten-free dressing. YUM! Christmas is still too far off.  I di...

This past month was not fun. Mid-September I had an ear infection that caused laryngitis and temporary hearing loss in my right ear.  I went to my primary care doctor and got a round of antibiotics. Nothing cleared up, so I ended up back at an ENT's office, and they confirmed the ear infection and hearing loss (moderate to severe) with a hearing test.  Yet another antibiotic, stronger... About five days into that round of medicine, I developed what I call "the three hours of hell."  The first hour was uncontrollable shivering, followed by high fevers (topped off at 103.5 at it's worst), finally ending in an hour of heat intolerance.  Finally, I went back to my PCP and got a flu test (NEG), and she put me on Tamiflu.  Great...more pills.  Another five days until the fevers broke, and I started feeling better. Poor Jerry took care of me during all of this.  I wasn't eating much as there were days I couldn't keep anything down.  I lost 16 pound...

A week ago, I lost (temporarily?) my hearing in my right ear due to an ear infection.  I have been to the doctor and today was the last day of a round of antibiotics.  I did feel some pressure release today in my ear, but I still can't hear.  This makes being an interpreter difficult.  Last week was a struggle to hear the teachers as students continued to talk while the teacher was talking.  Or tap their pencils repeatedly on the desk during class.  Even the AC unit seemed to have it out for me this week.  I came home every night, my brain exhausted with trying to hear and figure out what was being said all day long. I really thought I was doing better until today when we went to the grocery store, and the clerk kept asking me questions about how I wanted my groceries bagged.  At one point I said that I had a bad cold and really couldn't hear very well, hoping she would take the hint and stop talking to me.  Nope.  The barrage of que...

Happy birthday, Mom.  I miss you terribly.  She is always with me.  Little things remind me of her.  Last night there at our dinner theatre we were at a "meet and greet" with some of the cast, and fellow season ticket holders and there is a woman who is older than us that I started to talk with.  She is a piano teacher, 57 years.  She wears these cute matchy skirts, shirts, vests that remind me of mom's fashion sense.  She and her husband attend the symphony, they come to the dinner theatre.  *sigh*  I bet mom and dad would love coming to the Alhambra with us. In the teacher's lounge, co-workers talk about their parents, and I get a little envious.  I laugh at their stories, nod as they talk about the crazy things their mothers do and wish for my mom's witty, dry comments to keep me in check.  One more call, one more hug, one more piano duet...I would still want more. 

Thoughts on getting more people involved in the voting process. Thoughts on educating people on how to look for facts among the political rhetoric. Thoughts on spreading more love, less hate. Prayers that people vote out hate and vote in hope. Prayers that people are open-minded. Prayers that love conquers hate.

My parents both passed away in 2010.  Today is my dad's birthday, he would have been 90.  If I close my eyes, I can hear mom singing her "You're much older than I" song that she would taunt him with.  He was 15 days older than her. I had a full-on break-down last week.  I sat and sobbed because I missed both my parents immensely.  You'd think after nine years I would have a grip on grief, but it comes in waves.  You never move on, it's always there.  You live with it. My niece posted a  video  about moving forward with grief recently.  I had seen this video before she posted it, but it was exactly what I needed. Most days, I'm good.  Then there are those days when you want to be comforted by the people who have shown you love no matter what.  That infused you being with their humor, quirks, and sense of being.

Today I am thinking about the upcoming school year. I know..why would I be doing that while on summer break? I want to put my wish for next year out into the universe. I wish for the next year that the administration will look at each student as an individual and not a number. That they look at the needs of EACH individual child and not try to lump them together to save money. I know...especially in this budget. As for the Deaf/Hard of Hearing (DHH) students, that means that one interpreter for multiple students is not suitable for anyone. DHH students have different language needs, and one interpreter can not interpret multiple ways for comprehension during a class. It's physically impossible. Because of the shortfall, the interpreter ends up trying to select a "general" language mode, knowing that some of the students aren't going to understand. It's heartbreaking. Middle school is hard enough. Going from the comfort of one teacher for most of your...

I just got home from my appointment with my new endocrinologist.  WOW, that's how I remember a doctor appointment should be.  She took her time with me.  Over an hour appointment and the doctor told me she wished there was more time because she wanted to make sure we clear about the plan moving forward.  I didn't even get this much attention when things were life-threatening. I'm back on some medication for diabetes as my fasting blood sugars keep going up.  A1C is at 6, so we are going back on Metformin but only 1000 mg total per day.  Also, because my TSH is back up, she is increasing that medication.  My B12 was low, so she wants me to take a supplement for that.  She looked at me and said there was a reason I was having problems getting the weight off, moving, and with fatigue.  It feels good to hear that there are reasons.  As you recall from a previous post, I had problems walking around a hotel, well no freakin' kidding. Now I k...

Today, I am rededicating myself to eating healthy and working on losing weight. I weighed myself this morning. I have planned out today's meals. I know that planning will help me control portions and intake. I will use the two liters of water I need to drink as a way to stave off hunger along with teas. Tomorrow I go to my new endocrinologist, and I will go with an open mind and be willing and accept what she has to say. Part of being Jeanne is loving myself, even when I'm obese but not accepting that I have to be a big woman.

Argh!! I'm so tired of this weight.  I'm going to seriously focus on this. Why is my addition, food?  Why do we need to eat to stay alive? When I quit smoking, I just gave them up, but you can't do that with food. Last week we went to Dallas for Jerry's work conference.  I was miserable.  I could barely get around.  I was winded after walking from one area of the hotel to another. I didn't want to leave the hotel room to socialize.  My feet swell so much that I can barely get my shoes on, never mind bending down to put them on is a challenge. Seriously, it's bad, and I'm super sad about it. I'm going to the doctor this week, and I know she is going to yell at me. I had lab work on Saturday, so hopefully, that isn't going wrong too.  I have been doing well.  Argh... Emotional eating is the worst too.  You eat, then feel bad for eating. The goal for the week, log my food in my LoseIt app.  Every bite.  EVERY. SINGLE. ...

Today is the anniversary of the day my cancer was removed.  Weird sentence to type out.  Still seems surreal that I had cancer. I lost so much weight and was feeling good about that and "BAM" it was cancer.  I am one of the lucky ones. My tumor was contained inside my kidney so they took my whole left kidney. Since then, I have several scans to make sure it didn't spread and so far my luck is still flowing. I will do probably do those scans for the rest of my life. The new normal is okay though. I didn't die. I survived after a hellish experience in the hospital and months of recovery. The weight has come back, and that has me pissed off. It doesn't matter if I restrict calories, give up dairy, sugar, or eating all together the scales aren't budging. I know my thyroid messes with my body but it has been fairly stable. It's bumming me out! Speaking of the thyroid, my doctor for more than a decade has retired so I start a new endocrinologist in mi...

Last night I was visited by my mom in a dream.  It was one of those vivid dreams where I felt I could reach out and touch the surroundings and remember colors and whatnot. I remember that Mom was in China, living her solitude life after Dad passed, which is odd because she passed four months before him.  I wasn't with her the entire time of the dream.  Part of it was like I was observing her from afar.  She had a quaint life there, one that you would expect if you were a senior citizen in China. Alright, maybe a more romantic version of life in China.  Never the less, there she was, strolling through gardens with beautiful blooming Sakura trees.  Sitting on benches as she read her book. Meandering over to a market to get some food to either eat there or take home to cook for herself.  It was pleasant.  I do remember a conversation where she told me about an upcoming wedding in the family and that she was excited. The conversation was short thou...

This month has me reflecting a lot on my life. A year ago I was waiting to have surgery. I had lost a ton of weight, and I was excited about that but now know that it was because of cancer. So while I'm happy they were able to remove the tumor, I'm sad that within a month I gained all the weight I had lost. All of it. 😔 I have been really working on my diet and moving a little more and nothing. Doctors have suggested bariatric surgery in the past, but now that I only have one kidney, I don't think that is a good option. Even though my A1C was only 5.4, my blood sugar has been creeping up in the mornings, so I asked to be put on medicine.  I am not going to let last year be the decline.  What does this all mean, why am I writing this?  For me...so I can put it out to the universe that I need help.  I need encouragement.  Not from you reader, from myself.  I need to own this if it's going to work.  I know work is stressing me out.  We have th...

May 1st is an odd day for me now.  Last year, it was the day I was told I had cancer.  I'm still blown away by that.  I will never forget that Jerry had a gut feeling and knew that he needed to come to that doctor appointment.  That I would need him.  Funny...weird...

The fear of cancer rearing it's ugly head is always present.  I have been having some pain in my remaining kidney.  That on top of a doctor telling me that he is worried about my kidney lab levels has me freaked. I set up an appointment with the doctor who removed cancer almost a year ago, and he reassured me that my levels, for only having one kidney were decent.  He did set me up for a CT scan which I did,  but had to wait two weeks for the doctor to tell me the results. Today was my appointment to get my results. The kidney is not compromised!  Doing well.  No enlargement. So my pain must be something else.  It's funny because this past weekend there were a few days where I didn't have any pain.  I have been hydrating myself better.  When talking to the doctor today, he said that he wasn't any kind of an expert in back pain and I mentioned how it feels better when I'm well hydrated, and he said that when we become dehydrated, an...

I am a princess, and I fully admit that I love being treated that way.  Finding Jerry 23 years ago was amazing as he totally gives into my princess-ness.  During March, my birthday month, he does a fantastic job of stepping it up.  It makes me look bad because his birthday month is February and I am not as apt at the doting as he is. Seriously, tree Funko badass women figures, a sonic screwdriver, lots of doting, and more to come...I love birthday month! I have been doing a lot of reflecting in the past year.  Life changing illness can do that to a person. I always seem to be going to the doctor around my birthday.  The fact that I have spring break off gives me the opportunity to go to the doctor without burning a day off of work.  I'd rather use those for "mental health" days than actually going to a doctor appointment. Last week, I went to my Endocrinologist for a thyroid checkup.  That also includes diabetes type 2. You know, because one a...

Last year was a challenge.  I'm not gonna lie, I know that it is February, but it has taken me this long to resolve my feelings for last year. Don't get me wrong, there were some beautiful moments last year.  For spring break we went to Kennedy Space Center and then to Universal Studios.  We hadn't been to either in years.  We need another trip to Kennedy soon as we didn't get to see everything we wanted to.  As far as Universal, we loved the Harry Potter areas.  Worth the admission right there. In October we traveled across the pond to visit London, UK.  Amazing! I loved it there and wish we had gone for a more extended trip.  I genuinely have tons to be thankful for, and I remind myself often of that.  That is why this year, 2019, I really need to get a handle of my health.  That includes weight, body, mind, spirit, and weight.  Yes, I know I said weight twice, but it is probably the thing that I need the most help with....

I'm figuring out what my online presence will look like...please be patient.