Being Jeanne...

 I walk into a room and feel the ick of it's decor.  I need to fix that.  And fast.  Or I don't know what's going to happen. 

 I couldn't be happier that it's the last week.  This has been another challenging year.  I am wondering whether I just need a break or a break from educational interpreting.   Looking forward to sleeping in those first few days of break.  Then I need to get my act together and do some purging.  I'm feeling suffocated, and I know a lot of it stems from the clutter in the house. I don't need all this stuff. I also have some places to sell my Barbies to. They need to go. I really want that back bedroom to be functional again.  I don't like knowing that it's just a cluster fuck of junk back there.  Too much stuff.     Some days, I wish we lived in a smaller place. I like this house, but it needs a lot of work, and I'm saying that stresses out Jerry...so I just keep my mouth shut, which isn't healthy for me.  Two more wake-ups...

 Feeling like I'm not a priority, even though he still takes care of me.  Yes, he still makes me breakfast and helps me pack up my stuff to go to work but at night it's phone, phone, phone.   I hate it.  Then I get on my phone and I know that isn't good for me.  I told myself I was going to excuse myself from the room when I saw that but I haven't been diligent.  I need to...I don't want it for any part of me.

It takes work to keep a marriage alive and thriving. And some days you just don't feel like making that work...  I'm in that phase right now. I just want to exist and it kind of sucks because I don't really like the way my marriage is going right now. It's not bad by any means. It's just kind of bland, and part of it is my fault because I am not leaning into it. I am not taking the time to initiate intimacy. I am not taking the time to initiate much lately. So yeah, a little of it's on me, and I don't seem to be getting any pushback, so yeah... That being said, I am going to try to reach out and have some physical contact and things of that nature because I do know that it's important in a marriage to reach out. I just don't know when LOL... I have nine more wake-ups until summer break. And might just hold off until then. Weekends are better. Weekdays not so much. So yeah, marriages are work. Don't forget it. 

 End of the school year blahs! It's been a rough year.  From no support on how to deal with a behavior in class with one student that caused another student to basically be neglected.  Couldn't get the help I needed, so I moved to an elementary school where the staff wasn't too pleased with my coming.  That isn't entirely true..some of the people were friendly and I can now call them work friends..but for the most part.  It was a chilly opening.  Finally got to meet the principal after months of being there, and apparently rubbed her the wrong way.  My yearly evaluation reflected that as well.  I guess my fighting for what I needed to do my job as a related service provider didn't fit with their need to control information.   I won...that's all that matters. Although, as I mentioned, my evaluation was the lowest it's EVER been.  I have never received below the top tier.  I would accept it, but it's all in the technical skills o...

 I had tons of labs done and then had my appointment with the doctor only to be told, "Eat less and move more."  Are you fucking kidding me.   I broke down and wept infront of the doctor.  When she questioned about how much I was moving I told her my steps and explained I was exhausted.  That we go to be some nights at 6:30pm because I just can't do anything else.   When she asked how much I was eating I told her that some days I was lucky to hit 1000 calories and she was just dumbfounded.   As I sat there weeping, she suggested going to a gynecologist to talk about hormones that at this point there was nothing more she could do.  I felt defeated! Not allowing myself to just wallow. I decided that I needed to talk to the dietitian that maybe they had the help I was looking for. I made an appointment and talked to the dietitian a few days later and thankfully they had some ideas on how to lower my insulin resistance with food and die...

 It's going well.  I am keeping up.  In fact it's the one thing I can control right now. I feel like my health is declining.  It's scary and I don't let people know how truly afraid I am.  Some days I am amazed I can walk. Jerry's book is his book. It seems like we do  alot of work for the book.  I don't mind the editing but some days I would just like to sit on the couch and watch tv at night.   I get that my will to keep things...easy just feeds my saddness of nights wasted away by scrolling and not watching what I really want to watch on TV.  Like Bridgerton...I love that series and love being swept up in the drama of all that is...Bridgerton.  Have we watched any of it...no!  Have I said I want to?  Many times.  Sometimes it's just easier to go to bed and read than be sad.

Isn't it cute?!? It helps keep me inspired to do a short little haiku every day. 

 I love a good haiku.  It's short, it's direct, it's totally a Jeannie doable thing.  So I'm going to do a Haiku every day, and then at the end of the year I'm going to publish them...whether they suck or whatever.  Then we can have 2 published people in this house.   Wow...jealous much?  I hope not ....prolly...I'll work on that LOL

Today, I had to move a desk pushed up against a media cart so I could go to a training. I was told after requesting a space that I was free to use the SLA PE room on the says when the PE Teacher was at a different school. Ok... So what about all my resources... Am I supposed to carry those?  When you treat professionals as temporary assignments...they will give you temporary assignment level work. Why should I go out of my way to be prepared if I have to do it at home, on my time/dime when others are given the time and space to do the same.  Yes, I'm happier than I was a month ago....and apparently won't worry about prep...because it's not afforded to me.  Just sad...

How dare you try to burst my bubble and suck the magic and wonderment living in my brain.  It's like you don't know me....and it hurts. 

 I will not accept that again.  Just putting it out there that you better not fall into those same patterns because I'm not doing that again.  I don't care how much you love me...SHOW me by respecting me by putting down your phone and talking to me in a kind, polite tone.   This girl is worthy of being treated like a true partner.  If you can't handle that, get some balls and move on!

 I thought doctors were supposed to help people.  I had my Endochronologist appointment today and felt dismissed.  I practically begged for help and got nowhere.   I have Hashimoto's.  I'm post-menopausal. I have diabetes. I have PCOS.  You would think they would want to offer me as many options as possible, at least to get their co-pays out of me.  Nope...eat less, move more.  FUCK YOU! I had tried earlier to get into a Metobolic Center, but my insurance wouldn't cover it.  I get new insurance in January...gonna try then.  Something has to change. 

He's trying to balance it but I can feel me turning away... 

 If I ask.... Why not just answer me instead of getting defensive. You know it's a trigger...fuck you...

W hy do I set myself up for failure? I need affirmations so I give them hoping that by modeling behavior I will get that in return... But I don't. 🫤

Went to an American Sign Language (ASL) conference this past weekend. I wish I could day it was great but I'm in the middle of not being constant with my profession. Didn't get me wrong... The work is fine... It's all this other BS that goes along with working.  I still have a month of dinner cancellation and I'm hoping that helps my attitude.  So the conference itself was fine. I was a little annoyed with the content for the classes. For hours is a long time to be sitting in a workshop. I guess if I had to earn CEUs it might have meant more but because I'm in education.... The state doesn't require that. So I go to classes I think could improve my work. Meh...i really didn't learn anything new but has several reminder moments about things I should/shouldn't be doing... So that's beneficial.  Again... Still on summer vacation so trying to set that work mode aside.

I get that I'm a fundamental kind of person. I ask the usual question when you get home. How was your day? What did you get for lunch?  Anything new?  ...and of course, you give me your run-of-the-mill answers.  Fine, blah blah blah... But then a day later you send me a picture of something that you bought while you were at a store and expect me not to start "narrating possible situations" because you don't write anything with that picture.  I'm just supposed to know.   This is why I feel confused and left out of your world.  Because you don't share those little details that I would love to get.  I know....basic girl crap....you know what?  It's basic because that is how it should be ...basic information sharing. 

Some days I think I'd be happier being single because I wouldn't have any expectations of people...  Feeling meh...lonely... dismissed... 

Isn't getting a raise a good thing? Isn't it something you tell your partner?  Apparently not in this household. I'm tired of his lack of wanting to share things with me. I'm tired of this fight...