Being Jeanne...

Something has changed. I don't know what but I am snapping more when I talk to him and I'm feeling not heard or seen. I feel like he is in his phone more again. I just want to cry. 

Wow... He actually called me to check on my day. He hasn't done that in over a year! 

So apparently he is still in contact with her and he thinks I don't fucking know these things like I'm a fucking idiot and no he may not be calling her or sneaking around. I don't even fucking know anymore but I'm so sick and tired of him allowing these women to come into our life and fuck our marriage up because that's what it's doing cuz right now I want him the fuck away from me!!!! 

So I have to say that since me finding out that he was still talking to people he fell in love with. I have been distant and I'm trying to rail against that feeling of just wanting to get the fuck out because he is my person. I don't know that I'm his person and he is trying to prove that he thinks of me as his person but I just don't see it sometimes. I really wish I could trust again but I can't. I don't know how to trust. I know it has to be earned and that is hard. I almost wish not that I want to be love bombed, but I wish he would over communicate right now because that's the kind of reassurance I need or I feel like I need. I probably really don't need that. I'd probably be like dude. Whatever. I don't need a blow by blow but sometimes I feel like I do need a blow by blow. I need to be married to fucking Howard Cosell. I want to know what you're doing, where you're doing it even if it's mundane crap. Share your fucking life wit...

Do I The word sucker written across my forehead? Oh I was just playing with the filters. Yeah why did your Snapchat score go up in 20 points in one freaking day? I'm so triggered right now. I don't know what to do. I want to run. I want to run far. I want to get the fuck out of here

So when do you post a Snapchat to me? I know exactly why you were doing it. It's because you think it's going to keep our friendship and you know what you've lost it. We're no longer besties on Snapchat and that's because you have. I don't know tit and vagina pictures again? 

 Had a dream Jerry was cheating on me with some chick named "Ash" at the conference but it was date night and in the dream he admitted to getting a BJ from her.  Woke up in an emotional wreck but after talking it out with him, he finally understood that I didn't need for him to defend himself but to reassure me that we were solid.  Sometimes getting him on the emotional healing wheel can be a chore.

 This is the second day in a row that he has been talking to Christy from work. She no longer works at the same place but apparently still needs things from him. Sus... yes... I'm trying not to let it get to me. I have no evidence other than him smiling at his phone again.  We are on vacation.  Stop fucking working!

Why do you have to change your mind all the time?  Because I fucking can!!! 

So I'm in Anaheim for Jerry's conference. We're supposed to go to Disneyland on Thursday. My feet are so sore from walking around today. I've done 12,000 steps. I've been up since 3:00 a.m. Eastern time. It's now 5:00 p.m. Pacific time. I'm so fucking tired. I'm supposed to eat dinner but I don't really want to eat anything but I know I should. Or maybe just get something a little snacky?  Things are going well. I of course still doubt everything but I'm getting better. It's hard not to think back that at conference time last year he didn't even want me to go with him and that still kind of hurts.  Disney! That's my main reason for being here. 

The answer "maybe..." Usually means no. He says not but we will see.. I hope I'm wrong.. 

I never knew how much that word could cut when it's used in a sentence like, "Why do you always do this?" I instantly shut down. 

Not once did. I get "off" by Jerry this past month. He did by me... Once. It was a very low incident month for intimacy. I wonder if he realizes it. I know I can't bring it up until after my cold is gone because he will use that against me. Like he knows when I'm not in the mood.. NOPE!! Don't assume that because my fingers hurt that I wouldn't enjoy some SFT. 

Two nights ago I put it all lit there. It was the first time I said that his vague language was giving me doubts and I needed direct, clear, verbage! While we didn't get much sleep because we were talking I feel so much better about us! 

If I feel like I'm in the way then tell me I'm not in the way. Don't just hop and puff and then I won't go away and now I just don't want to fucking even see your fucking face. I just want you to fucking go away

Every time you randomly Snapchat me, I worry that the only reason one on Snapchat was to do something else and then you sent me a message because he felt it was obligated. I do not want to feel like an obligation I want to feel like hey, I think this would be fun to send Jeanne and oh yeah, here are my friends to you, but the fact that we're not each other's best friends says a lot. I  I know I really shouldn't worry about it because you do come home and are loving and adoring to me so... 

I'm no longer your best friend. Which means you've replaced me....AGAIN.  I don't even know how to explain this to you without you blowing a gasket. "I'll just delete Snapchat" I doubt you would and what does that even do other than make you resent me.  I don't know what to do. 🙁

Feel like I'm slipping into the friend zone. I'd like more but I don't toose my best friend. So what do I do.... 

Fastest date ever every had egg feeders with you on your phone smiling an GF then stumbling to tell me what you were looking at... I'm triggered. Don't bolt. Water your garden....  I fucking hate gardening. 

I told myself this morning that you answer a lot of people at work via text messages and that you are probably tired of texting so I'm going to take that off your plate.  Life is too short to be mad about something I can't control. Need to adopt the IDGAF attitude about that and remember that I love you. 

 I guess I know where I rate.  I don't message you because I'm in a meeting and over an hour late getting home.  You don't even question it.   Not feeling the love....

I'm sure if I was one of your little bimbo chicks online that you were masturbating to, you'd be answering her right fucking away. Instead you just leave me on read all the fucking time!  Especially because I know it goes to your watch and I know that works because the other day when I texted you, you looked at your watch because you got a notification. So you ignoring me just means that I am not a priority and it's very clear even though you're helpful and good to me and you're always touching me as you say.  Maybe I'm just fucking ridiculous. Maybe this is exactly what I deserve. Fuck no it's not!!!  Update: 8:45 So apparently he did text me. I didn't get the notification.. weird.  So not a fucker...that would be me 🫤

Over all a good relaxing week. I barely thought about work. I only had a few days where I didn't trust the relationship.... I need to ask how to get past that. I know "my narratives" are not facts but they feel real. 

So then... You go into Snapchat but don't even look at my public story because you are only looking for your hookups 🫤

Just about the time I feel secure his score jumps. I hate that I look. I hate that I don't trust.... I wanna go home right now and escape this feeling.

That was an over reaction in my opinion. Just go back to your boob girls and leave me the fuck alone!!!!  Oh by the way my head is fine where the dish fell on top of it. Thank you so much for only worrying about picking up the dish and not my safety. You know what fuck you!!! 

So keep climbing that score while I get "left on read." I know rationally that shouldn't hurt, but it does... 

I just don't feel like he is 100% on board. I feel like he is ok intentionally locking his phone, tilting it away from me, and leaving the room to use his phone. Red fucking flags IMO

I hate the days I get triggered. Come in. Start talking to me and immediately put focus on your phone. Notification galore ... Snapchat score still climbing. I don't like being this person. 

My family is established. My husband likes my posts but doesn't really look at them.  I'm feeling alone! 

I just triggered myself by reading past text messages. 😭

I'm so tired lately. I'm wondering if my thyroid is off again. I really need to get it checked but I don't go until April or I think that's when I go.  Jerry and I are doing well. I still doubt everything but I'm trying to get better about that. He goes away for 3 days next week and I really have to make sure that I don't make up shit in my head that he is sleeping with everybody at the conference. Not that he has ever done that but you know catastrophizing much?!? 

notice where the fire is and my seat. He set it up so that he is by the fire and I'm off in the cold. The symbolism probably wasn't intentional but it seems like it was. Out here on my own. Thankfully it's 76° F out